social... caterpillar.

IT IS HARD FOR ME TO SAY WORDS OUT LOUD.

Whew, now that that’s out, I can start my post.

It’s hard for me to talk. I’ve always been on the shy side, and it’s a struggle for me to talk to people in social situations. I’m usually fine one on one with people, but in groups it’s like I disappear. I try really really hard to be part of the conversation, but usually it ends up being everyone else talking and me just doing a lot of smiling and nodding. Not that I totally hate this. Sometimes I like being the quiet, mellow one. I like not having to be the center of attention all the time. I like to think of myself as “introverted” because it doesn’t sound as derogatory as “shy.”

And I’ve gotten better over time. You should’ve seen me my freshman year of college. Wow. Talk about antisocial. I feel like I’ve really improved over my almost 3 years of being in college. I’ve learned to make eye contact with people and smile and be interested in what they’re saying. I’ve learned to ask people questions about themselves and their lives and be sincerely interested in their answers.

But still, this doesn’t come easily for me. I have to consciously decide that I’m going to be social, take a deep breath, and then go out and conquer. I think something that makes being social hard for me is that I’m always scared that people don’t actually care about what I’m saying. I just have this creeping feeling all the time that people don’t want to listen to me for some reason .Why wouldn’t they? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because I don’t believe I have anything worth saying. It’s almost like I think I’m only allotted a certain amount of words per conversation, and if I go over my amount, then people will just tune out and stop caring.

I think another reason why I struggle with being social is that a lot of times my attempts only end in awkward situations. I really hate being in awkward situations, and I especially hate when I am the cause of the awkwardness. Then I feel even more awkward ‘cause I made the situation awkward and then I just feel bad about myself in general. And then I stop trying because in my mind, I’ve failed. And then I just want to hide and stop trying.

I think back to my first voice lesson a few weeks ago, and how uncomfortable the whole experience was. My voice teacher wanted me to stand up straight, with my shoulders back, and just open up my whole chest area. And I literally couldn’t do it. I felt so awkward in my own skin, always wanting to go back into a slouching posture. It sickened me how awkward I felt. I was so relieved to get out of there because the whole time I’d been forced to be out of my comfort zone.

I received a sort of epiphany a few nights ago though. I hadn’t realized how sick and tired I was of hiding, of not saying what I wanted to say, of doubting myself. I threw my shoulders back and yelled and screamed and it was just very freeing. I was filled with a burning desire to fight being shy. I would fight it with every bit of strength I could muster because I was so sick of underestimating myself, of just reverting back to the “oh, I can’t talk to people because I’m introverted” excuse that I’d used time and time again.

I decided then and there to always try. I know I always have to at least try to be social, to care, to not hide. It’s so natural for me to hide because I’ve done it for so long, and that’s why I have to fight it. I know that I always have to be doing things that are hard for me, that scare me. and being social is a huge thing that is hard for me. And I’m not saying that I now expect to be chatty and bubbly and super outgoing and a social butterfly. I know that that isn’t really who I am, and trying to be that would just fail.

But I do know that I don’t always have to hide. I don’t always have to run from awkward situations; it won’t kill me to be in a few of them from time to time. I can be positive and engaged in conversations and honestly care about other people. I promise to look people in the eye and be a part of the social community around me.