who even knows: a lengthy and somewhat inconclusive discourse about self-identity.

I think the most important thing in trying to discover who you are is to figuring out what makes you different from other people. When there is absolutely no one else around, who are you? what do you do? What do you like to do? Do you like being on your own or would you rather be with people? These are facts about you. don’t feel bad about them. There is nothing wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with liking to be by yourself better than being with people. I feel this is a misconception in our society, or perhaps just Provo. The only way to be is to be extraverted. And if you’re not, there is something wrong with you. You’re not as fun as the extraverted people. Not as pretty. Not as funny. Not as flirty. Well, maybe you aren’t as overtly flirty. But is that really you wanted? To be loud and flirty and in everyone’s face all the time? It’s not what I want at all. I find those types of people to be pretty obnoxious at times.

It’s all about just coming to know yourself and being ok with whatever you find. For me, it’s coming to terms and accepting the fact that I’m introverted. So what? I usually like being by myself than being with other people. I don’t like loud situations. I like sitting quietly and listening to music. I like talking to a few people in a quiet room. I like being calm. But I also can be crazy. I like going out late on midnight wendy’s runs, blasting really loud music, and dancing around like a crazy person. I’m not boring or shy. I just usually prefer to be quieter. And the hardest part for me is realizing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being this way. I don’t need to change. I don’t need to feel an obligation to be louder and more talkative. I am fine just the way I am.

I feel like you should only start being worried when you start hating people or when you don’t talk to anyone or when you’re seriously bitter about most social encounters. When you hide in your room and can’t function around other humans. I feel like these are problems. Not horribly serious problems, but problems. And I feel like I’m definitely not at that point. I don’t hate people, I actually really love people. I love talking to people and getting to know them better and finding ways to connect with them. I love learning about what they love and where they’re from and what’s important to them. I just don’t do it loudly. And that’s fine.

What makes this hard though is I feel so outnumbered here in Provo. I feel like 95% of the people here are extraverted. They come from big Mormon families that live in Utah, and their whole high school experience has been one big BYU prep session. While this may be a generalization, I feel that it has some truth to it. I don’t feel like this is true for me. The city I grew up in definitely did not have a Mormon flavor to it. Not even close. Most people didn’t even know what a Mormon was. I’m not complaining about this at all, I’m just stating it. My surroundings were definitely not tinted with Mormonism. I hung out with people, but it wasn’t in a chummy overenthusiastic Mormon kind of way. This isn’t making sense at all, and I apologize. I’m desperately trying to convey what I mean, these ideas that are in my mind, and I am really just failing. Anyway. My high school years were different. I felt like EFY was this weird shock to my system, where I needed to be peppy and cheery, and pretend to care about everything. And it’s not that I was depressed, or bitter, or hated everyone. I just wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t used to being super involved and outgoing and eager about every single tiny thing.

I feel like being at BYU you have to concede to this attitude at least a little bit, or everyone will think you hate them. I have to be pretty cheery when I’m around people, and a little bit fake I feel in order to get them to feel comfortable. You have to be over the top at times. And that’s fine. It gives me practice. And it gives me the reassurance that I can do it. I can learn how to talk to people when I’m out of my comfort zone, and when the words I’m saying maybe aren’t the most natural. I can’t totally be myself all the time, and I accept that.

I just grow weary of feeling like I’m compared to others, like because I’m not like them, it’s bad. I really just hate that idea so much. I feel like if I were at a different school, I would be considered so much more normal. But here, I’m weird, just because I really like music and I’m kind of quiet. I’m not saying that I’d rather attend a different school, I’m just stating a fact. Socially, and musically, I’d fit in better at a different school.

And maybe this is all just crap. Maybe I just want to feel different from everyone else so I can feel cooler. Maybe I really am just like all these other joe blows and I do not stand out at all.

Who even knows.

evaluative conclusion.

So I reach the end of the road with my blog writing. It has indeed been a great journey. I am willing to own up to my procrastination; I recognize that I just pumped out about 10 blogs on the day before the assignment is due. I guess this ironically contributes to my blog, because it really does speak volumes about me. I procrastinate terribly. I guess that's probably true for most college students, but I really put the "pro" in procrastination. Anyway. Haha.

All joking aside, I really enjoyed this assignment. I feel like it helped me sort of map out my life a little bit. Like I was able to take parts of my life that are important and talk about them. I was able to elaborate on things I've thought about, or things I love, and just be myself for awhile. I feel like it helped me figure out how to organize my thoughts and make them into something coherent that my classmates and others could understand and relate to.

I also REALLY appreciate the chance to read my classmates' blogs and learn more about them. I often feel like it takes a lot of time to get to know people well, and it's sometimes awkward if you don't have a specific reason to talk to them. But with this blog assignment, I was able to read about and get to know many of the people in my class, even though I wasn't able to talk to them as in depth in real life. I had a chance to read about people's interests and hopes and what they love and what they think about and it was just interesting and generally wonderful. I love seeing what people post about when they're allowed to post about anything. Basically, I love people. I think they're beautiful and unique and wonderful. And that definitely applies to every single person in my Writing 150 class. You are all so great! I've enjoyed getting to know you so much this semester. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. I wish you the best of happinesses and I hope all of your dreams come true :)

peace & blessins, kids. peace & blessins.

but the grinch, who lived just north of whoville.... did not.

So basically, I am kind of a Grinch when it comes to Christmas music. Like, I can handle some types of Christmas music, and certain songs, but in general, I just don't really feel it. Everyone starts freaking out the day after Thanksgiving because they're "finally allowed" to start listening to Christmas music. And I'm just in the background kind of like "...yeah.... cool...." and then I just keep listening to what I was listening to before. And it's not like I don't like it. I just don't really feel the need to listen to it excessively. I just get sick of it I guess. I really appreciate Josh Groban's Christmas stuff though, just because he has an incredible voice. His version of Little Drummer Boy is really great. I know Michael Bublé is a crowd favorite when it comes to Christmas music, but I can only really handle that in small doses. Justin Bieber is also a viable option; nonetheless, I can still only handle a couple of songs. I guess I just feel this conflict within me, like I should be loving Christmas music more, as much as everyone else does. And then I just think, oh well, I like it well enough. Maybe I'll just go put on my Grinch pajamas and call it a night.


One of my favorite Christmas songs. And this version is just excellent.

all of the lights.

So my friends and I had the opportunity to go down to Temple Square last night and look at the Christmas lights. I'd only been once, and it was 2 years ago, so I'd kind of forgotten how beautiful the whole place looks at Christmastime. First of all, the temple is absolutely breathtaking, during Christmas and also during regular time. It's huge and majestic, and it is so beautiful when it's lit up at night. And the Christmas lights were so elaborate and beautiful as well. I love how they wrap each individual branch of the trees with lights; it ends up looking so sweet. I bet that takes them for-ever to do that. I love that they put the time and money and effort into it though. The effect is amazing.

I also wanted to mention the awesomeness of my friends again really quick. I love that they had the idea to go to Temple Square and that that is something they'd want to do. I'm grateful that, when we passed by numerous accidents on the way there, and the roads were way icy, that my roommate instantly thought to say a prayer that we'd make it safely. I love that I was able to laugh and joke with my friends and it was chill and calm and fun. I love that my roommate kept exclaiming "I love Christmas!" every 5 seconds; her enthusiasm was definitely infectious. I love the conversation I had with my roommate when we were inside the visitor's center trying to get warm. I basically just loved the whole experience in general, and I'm glad I have that memory to add to my bank of memories.

my roommates mallory and caitlin and I inside the visitor's center. please excuse my derping.

singing + guitar = happy caitlin

I really love singing. It's a kind of release for me, a stress reliever of sorts. It's like when I sing, it's my soul coming up out of my mouth and out into the air. Pretty cool, really. I especially love singing and playing my guitar. It really just encompasses who I am, as cheesy as that sounds. It's a huge part of me and I don't know what I'd do without it. I just wanted to share a video of me singing and playing. This is my cover of "Dream" by Priscilla Ahn. It's an absolutely gorgeous song, and I hope I do it justice. I'll post the lyrics below so you can read them; they're wonderful.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, 
and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream. 

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, 
I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. 
I said a prayer and fell asleep. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest tree. 
I had a dream. 

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. 
I'm ready now, I'm ready now,
I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. 
I had a dream.

mac or pc? is that really even a question?

Ok I don't want to sound like an elitist but really? People are seriously still asking that question? Have you ever even used a Mac? I am fairly certain that if you used one, you would not be asking this question anymore: the answer would be clear. The instant you take your hands off your huge, chunky Dell laptop and put them onto the slick and chic keys of a MacBook Pro, you'll know. You'll instantly know. They're better machines, plain and simple. They run better, have more battery, last longer, and are prettier. What better argument do you need? Yes, I realize they are very expensive, but isn't the investment worth it? You're going to be using this computer for your entire college experience, and hopefully even a good while after college. You want a machine that will last and be reliable. That's why you should buy a Mac, and stop asking stupid questions. Case closed.


(Yes, I realize this argument is very weak in some areas. But it is also 2:37 a.m. So maybe you could cut me some slack. Haha.)

research topic? herp derp

So I realize that this is a little out of order, and this post should've come waaay earlier, but oh well. You as the reader will just have to deal with the fact that I am unorganized and haphazard. Haha.

So for my research paper I wrote on the negative affects that social networking sites have on human relationships. I chose this topic because I am constantly on Facebook, and I noticed how it affected me negatively, so I wondered what research had been done on this topic. I found that a lot had been said about this topic. Most of the studies showed that excessive time spent on Facebook and other social networking sites affected those who were already struggling with low self-esteem, loneliness, and other symptoms of depression. So if you already were struggling with it, Facebook would only aggravate those feelings.

 I definitely feel that in my own life. I've struggled with low self-esteem pretty much my whole life, as I'm sure most girls have, and sometimes Facebook just makes me feel terrible. I know it's not like the corporation of Facebook that is purposely trying to make me feel terrible, but it's all the stuff that shows up on my news feed that does it. It always seem like everyone's lives are so much cooler than mine. Everyone's like going to some exotic country on a study abroad, or getting engaged, or making cool dinners, or having tons of parties and tons of friends, and you're just like, wow I really suck. Which isn't true at all. But it's so much easier to say that when you're comparing yourself to all these people you see on Facebook who seem perfect and awesome.

SO yeah, basically social networks can really mess with you if you're on them too much, and if you're already struggling with issues. I'd just say to limit usage as much as you can, and you'll be good. That's definitely something I need to work on. Which I find really sad. But it's a real thing. Fight the Facebook. Ok time to go. Haha.