final schminals.

As finals draw near, I find every ounce of energy and strength I have slowly being drained from my body. I had to take the final for my Music 190 class tonight, and boy did that just kill me. After squinting at tiny staffs and miniscule chords for an hour, I felt like my brain was going to explode. I was ready to come home and veg for hours on end. But no, I couldn't. My brain revolted against that behavior because it knew I had about 1,000 assignments to think about and stress over and try to manage. And let me tell you, I struggle with that. I struggle with constantly having to do things. I know I sound like a whiner, but finals week just slays me. I do not appreciate the constant barrage of papers, tests, and presentations. And it's not even technically finals week yet! It's like they're trying to extend finals week and make it even more hellish for us, by essentially making finals week into 2 final weeks. What even. I'm done here. Except I'm not allowed to be done here. I have to keep on trucking along and try not to fail.

 Meh.

virginia is for lovers.

I just wanted to make a quick post about how much I love Virginia. I love the people, the culture, the rain, the trees, the southern hospitality, and even the rednecks. I love pretty much every single thing about the little Central Virginian town where I spent my adolescent years. But I love Virginia for another reason as well.

Virginia helped me realize what life is like outside the comforting arms of the Church. I actually grew up in Washington State, where nearly 10% of the population is LDS. I was used to being surrounded by LDS friends, living near a temple, and having a cushion of Mormon beliefs in my life. When I was 11, my family moved across the country to Forest, Virginia, where the LDS population is minute.  This change in atmosphere greatly impacted my teenage years.  I, alone, had to stand up for what I believed, choosing my friends wisely in order to not be led astray. I learned to be a missionary in my everyday life by being an example to others. I can’t forget how being nearly the only one with my beliefs has shaped me as a person. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live in such a beautiful place with a rich culture and absolutely amazing people. I'm proud to call Virginia home :)

<3<3<3

are you listening?

Listen. What do you hear? The world is a loud place: full of people talking, competing for the center of attention. How many times in our daily lives do we take time to just stop and listen to all that is happening around us? Whether it’s to appreciate God’s many creations that surround us or to help out a friend, the art of listening has helped me become a more introspective person with a wider and clearer perspective about my place in life.

            When I am in a room packed with loud people, there is nothing I want more than to just be quiet and listen. Listen to what they’re saying, to what they’re not saying, listen to my own thoughts racing through my head. I listen for what I don’t want to be streaming from their mouths.

 I enjoy the quiet moments where I am able to listen to myself and hear who I’m becoming. In this silence, the chaos of the world is made just the tiniest bit clearer. Although all the secrets of life don’t become evident immediately, my little niche in the world becomes crisper, brighter, and more alive.

musical memories.

Ok so you're probably sick of me talking about music, but it's what I live and breathe, so prepare for another post about it. I just wanted to write really quick about how I think it's amazing that music is so closely associated with memories. Just hearing a particular song can bring up a whole slew of memories in your head, which includes smells, tastes, people, and just experiences in general. Times in your life that you identify with a certain song or artist. I just wanted to share a few very iconic songs with you that I associate with memories that are important to me.
(I'll only do 3 in the interest of time)


1. Owl City - Sky Diver

I can't even really begin to describe what this song means to me. It was the first Owl City song I ever heard. I remember being in my friend's room in Virginia, and she had her iPod hooked up to her speakers, and it was just on shuffle. and this song came on, and I was just like in the bathroom doing my hair or something, and it really caught my attention. I came into her room and I was like "...what is this?" And she didn't know so she looked at her iPod and told me, and said that her friend had put a bunch of music on her computer so she hadn't listened to all of it yet. Little did I know that hearing this song would open a door that would lead to so many wonderful things. After I went home, I downloaded every Owl City song that existed, and quickly became obsessed. I love his lyrics: they're full of hope and a simple happiness that I just love. His voice is light and floats so well on the positive messages in his songs. I just love him, haha. So here's the song! It's a good one.

2. Incubus - Dig

This song represents high school to me. Particularly my senior year. I know that's not the time that it came out, but that's when I first heard it. Upon hearing it for the first time, I immediately fell in love. Brandon Boyd's voice is just incredible. It's powerful and edgy and so full of emotion. And he's got an incredible range. I associate this song with this guy that I was really good friends with my senior year. He was super chill and cool and liked way awesome music. And he introduced me to this song, so I thought of him everytime I heard it. And I grew to like it even more because of that. It also helped me learn to appreciate Incubus more, which I loved, because they rule. It's just a really gritty, real love song that I just love.

3. Jon Foreman - House of God, Forever

I know I'm going to have a hard time explaining what this song means to me as well. This song is a rendition of the 23rd Psalm, "The Lord Is My Shepherd," and it just beautiful. Jon Foreman is the lead singer of the Christian rock band Switchfoot, whom I really love. Jon's solo stuff is really incredible. He focuses a lot more on the Christian aspect of the music (which, I'll be honest, I find obnoxious in some artists), but he does it very simply and masterfully and his songs definitely are just simple worship songs to the Lord. I particularly identify with this one because I always felt like it applied to me individually. Especially the line that says "Even while I'm walking through the valley of death and dying, I will not fear, 'cause You are with me, You're always with me." I remember listening to this song and just crying so much when he got to that line, because I felt like I was in that valley, and the song was describing exactly how I felt. And then I was so comforted because I knew that the Lord is my shepherd and that He's always with me. So yeah, I didn't explain that very well, but I just love this song. It means a lot to me.

I wish I could share more songs, because there are just so many songs that I love and associate with great memories and experiences and times in my life. But I hope you've enjoyed these few that I've been able to share with you.



there is so much more than you think:
meanings rooted in the trees,
pulsing through the branches,
dispersing through the leaves.
it's a beauty that will surely bring you to your knees.


-all the day holiday

a desperate plea.

Dear occupants of the 5th floor of the Harold B. Lee Library,

Hello. It’s nice to see you again. I’ve noticed that we’ve both been up here a lot lately, and I’m really feeling it’s because finals are coming up very soon. I know that we both have a lot to get done, so I won’t take too much of your time. I just wanted to address a few things that I’ve been noticing as I sit up here studying. First, I was just wondering if you were aware what level of the floor we’re on. You see, this is the 5^th floor. The 3^rd floor is 2 levels down, and it’s entitled the “No Shh Zone.” That means that you can talk and it’s fine and no one will get mad at you. But this is the 5^th floor. The 5^TH FLOOR. It’s NOT entitled the “No Shh Zone.” This means that if you talk, it really irritates those around you. Especially when you’re stage whispering and it’s freaking loud. I concede that whispering to your friends occasionally is fine on this floor. But a constant stream of useless dribbling conversation is not appropriate in this setting. Or any setting, for that matter. So if you could quit that jabbering, that would be superb.

I also realize that whatever video you’re watching and sharing with your friends is probably actually very funny, but I would also like to remark that there is a time and a place for everything. And here and now, on the 5^th floor of the library, is neither the time nor the place to be showing your friends that latest Kid History video. Yes, it’s hilarious, but not here, where it’s dead silent, and the only noise is your raucous laughter echoing off every wall.

I apologize that this seems like a rant, but I feel that it is an important issue that must be discussed. I would just like to reiterate that you’re not fooling anyone with your obnoxious whispering and giggling. It’s very loud. And I can hear it very loudly next to me as I’m trying to read. So if you could just stop that, and get back to doing your homework, which is what the library is for, then we can all just live happily and in harmony together as one. Please and thank you. Peace and blessins.

good friends are good.

Welp y’all, the semester is almost over. And I have 11 blogs to write before tomorrow. So let’s get started. Haha.

I just wanted to write a couple words about something I was thinking about the other day. I was kneeling down on my floor, saying my nightly prayers, and I just started thinking about how awesome the people in my life are. I’d just spent the evening hanging out with some really good friends, and it all just kind of hit me in that moment how cool everybody is. I thought about each of my friends, and the qualities they have that really stood out to me. For example, one of my roommates is just such a great example to me. She is kind and caring, and genuinely cares about and loves people. I didn’t know her very well when I moved in, and she has just made the hugest effort to welcome me into her group of friends and make me feel like I belong. And I really do feel like I belong. And that is just an amazing feeling, because I haven’t felt like I’ve belonged in a very, very long time. And going from not belonging to belonging just feels so good. With this group of friends I feel like I can be myself. I can talk freely and people laugh at my dumb jokes. I’m part of the group. I’m part of the team. It just feels so good.

Anywayyy… I’m getting sidetracked. I was talking about my friends and their awesome qualities, haha. I’ll just give a few more examples. Another one of my friends from that group is also very genuine and caring. I didn’t know him very well either before this year, but I’ve really enjoyed getting to know him better. He is just a kind, sincere, happy person, and I really appreciate that. I appreciate his spirit and his willingness to get to know me and accept me. I just remember feeling very happy as I sat and said my prayers, naming off all of these awesome people and all of their individual awesome qualities. I felt very blessed to be able to associate with them, and that I was able to call them my friends.

I know with certainty that I was supposed to be with this people at this time in my life. God had it written in the plan for my life that I would room with my current roommates, and that I would be accepted into their group and make friends with their friends. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time, and I can attribute it to my awesome friends :)

personal narrative.

    The day begins just like any other. I roll out of bed with barely enough time to get to class. I shower and pull my wet hair into a high bun. I don’t put on makeup because there’s no one to get ready for. I grab my backpack and hurriedly rush out the door into the brisk winter air.  I rush to catch the bus and crowd on with everyone else. They’re all chatting and laughing with each other, why aren’t I? I know why. I’m ugly, fat, and stupid. Why would anyone talk to me? These thoughts echo in my mind, repeating over and over. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Fat, fat, fat. Stupid, stupid, stupid. A girl sits down next to me and starts fiddling with the headphones for her iPod. She turns to me and says with a laugh, “Don’t you just hate when your headphones get tangled?” I try to talk, but my words are forced. My voice catches in my throat and she just stares at me. I stop trying and shut my mouth. I turn away as my face turns bright red. She must think I’m a total freak, I think. I definitely am a freak.

            The rest of the day continues in the same fashion, the same negative thoughts repeating over and over in my brain. They won’t leave, no matter how hard I try. I just can’t get over how there are 30,000 students on this campus, yet I still feel so alone. I’m just one of the cattle in this huge herd, slogging through the mire from class to class. There is no way that anyone would ever pay attention to me, or even see me. No one wants to be friends with an ugly, fat, stupid girl who can’t even speak. I spend the remainder of day feeling terrible, but immersed in my music. It helps.

            I am done with classes and I go home for the day. I sit by myself for hours on end, and it hurts. The music helps, but it still hurts. I pray to feel better, to have the strength to make it through the day. God and music, that’s all I have.

            It’s the next day and everything is the same. I can’t fake happy. I can’t force it into my skin, my heart. But I can almost reach out and grab it, it’s so tangible in the air. I can see it on the faces of those around me, in the hands of couples holding each other, in the eyes of young mothers and their babies. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy! But the negative thoughts won’t leave. They’re a nasty smog hovering over my mind, coating all of my thoughts and experiences. And then I remember that I am unlovable, boring, and dull and that I don’t deserve to be happy at all. I don’t deserve friends. I am lower than everyone else around me. It becomes too much to fight. I stop trying because it’s too hard. It’s easier to be bitter, to stay down.

            I face another day alone. I have become very numb and cold inside. I want to feel but I haven’t for so long that I have forgotten how. A boy in one of my classes turns to me and asks simply “Hey, did you get the homework?” I stare at him vacantly. I don’t have anything to say to him; all of my words are gone. He keeps talking and I turn away, ashamed. I am shy and broken. And in that moment it all hits me so hard and I cover my mouth to keep from screaming. I can’t even speak to another person. I have no connection to any other humans. I have to change, do something. I have to get help. I have to get out. No one can do it for me; I have to help myself out. I am alone for a few more hours, gathering courage, and then I go in to talk. The man in the chair is kind and nice, but I am hesitant at first. He asks me what’s wrong and all I can get out is “I need help.” He probably won’t be able to help me, I am too far gone. But then I am talking and talking and crying and spitting my soul up out into the air and he’s actually listening, why is he listening? I don’t know, but I continue. I continue to talk every week, and slowly I learn to lift my head up from the dust. I struggle, stumbling on the positivity that I try to weave into my head. I am not used to it; it’s unnatural and awkward. But I keep trying even though it’s so hard. It’s better to stay positive, to keep my head up.

            I try and try and and slowly, so slowly, I learn to train my mind. The boy from my class asks me “Hey, how’s it going?” and I stutter, but I talk. I talk and try to smile. It feels fake at first, but it becomes more real each time I smile. I know now that I have had the strength in me all along; I just needed to believe. 

            A few months later, I am walking through campus, and the day is bright and clear. I smile as one of my favorite songs comes on my iPod. It lifts me up onto another plane, and I keep smiling because in that moment, the music is all I need. I walk into my first class with a little spring in my step and I smile again because I know that I have friends. I am warm and kind and not a single negative thought crosses my mind throughout the whole class. I still have God and music, but I have so much more as well. I have myself on my side. I am beautiful, strong, and brave and I won’t go down that far again. There are days when I am pushed down and I feel it all coming back, but I fight.  I remember that the world is beautiful and I am alive. I will grow and grow until I am tall.