social... caterpillar.

IT IS HARD FOR ME TO SAY WORDS OUT LOUD.

Whew, now that that’s out, I can start my post.

It’s hard for me to talk. I’ve always been on the shy side, and it’s a struggle for me to talk to people in social situations. I’m usually fine one on one with people, but in groups it’s like I disappear. I try really really hard to be part of the conversation, but usually it ends up being everyone else talking and me just doing a lot of smiling and nodding. Not that I totally hate this. Sometimes I like being the quiet, mellow one. I like not having to be the center of attention all the time. I like to think of myself as “introverted” because it doesn’t sound as derogatory as “shy.”

And I’ve gotten better over time. You should’ve seen me my freshman year of college. Wow. Talk about antisocial. I feel like I’ve really improved over my almost 3 years of being in college. I’ve learned to make eye contact with people and smile and be interested in what they’re saying. I’ve learned to ask people questions about themselves and their lives and be sincerely interested in their answers.

But still, this doesn’t come easily for me. I have to consciously decide that I’m going to be social, take a deep breath, and then go out and conquer. I think something that makes being social hard for me is that I’m always scared that people don’t actually care about what I’m saying. I just have this creeping feeling all the time that people don’t want to listen to me for some reason .Why wouldn’t they? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because I don’t believe I have anything worth saying. It’s almost like I think I’m only allotted a certain amount of words per conversation, and if I go over my amount, then people will just tune out and stop caring.

I think another reason why I struggle with being social is that a lot of times my attempts only end in awkward situations. I really hate being in awkward situations, and I especially hate when I am the cause of the awkwardness. Then I feel even more awkward ‘cause I made the situation awkward and then I just feel bad about myself in general. And then I stop trying because in my mind, I’ve failed. And then I just want to hide and stop trying.

I think back to my first voice lesson a few weeks ago, and how uncomfortable the whole experience was. My voice teacher wanted me to stand up straight, with my shoulders back, and just open up my whole chest area. And I literally couldn’t do it. I felt so awkward in my own skin, always wanting to go back into a slouching posture. It sickened me how awkward I felt. I was so relieved to get out of there because the whole time I’d been forced to be out of my comfort zone.

I received a sort of epiphany a few nights ago though. I hadn’t realized how sick and tired I was of hiding, of not saying what I wanted to say, of doubting myself. I threw my shoulders back and yelled and screamed and it was just very freeing. I was filled with a burning desire to fight being shy. I would fight it with every bit of strength I could muster because I was so sick of underestimating myself, of just reverting back to the “oh, I can’t talk to people because I’m introverted” excuse that I’d used time and time again.

I decided then and there to always try. I know I always have to at least try to be social, to care, to not hide. It’s so natural for me to hide because I’ve done it for so long, and that’s why I have to fight it. I know that I always have to be doing things that are hard for me, that scare me. and being social is a huge thing that is hard for me. And I’m not saying that I now expect to be chatty and bubbly and super outgoing and a social butterfly. I know that that isn’t really who I am, and trying to be that would just fail.

But I do know that I don’t always have to hide. I don’t always have to run from awkward situations; it won’t kill me to be in a few of them from time to time. I can be positive and engaged in conversations and honestly care about other people. I promise to look people in the eye and be a part of the social community around me. 

young blood.

It’s only September 13^th, and I already miss summer. Summer never lasts long enough for me. I need the stifling hot air and the long, carefree days back. I need the endless summer nights where we’d walk around with no purpose, just breathing in the pure air, feeling free and like anything was possible. And anything WAS possible. We’d sing and dance and belt out our thoughts because we just didn’t care and no one was listening anyway. I want to go back to the days where I didn’t have to shower or put on makeup, just spend all day at the pool, soaking in the summer sun, falling asleep when I was tired, and jumping into the water when I got too hot. I want to spread out on the grass with a good book and never look at a clock once all day. I want to listen to music, so much music, album after album after album, and never once hit the stop button. I want the freedom, the reckless freedom back. I am still so young, and I just want to live in an endless summer.

But I know that’s not realistic at all. It’s a nice dream, but I know I can’t spend my life like that, as much as I’d like to. I need to go to school, and work hard, and get an education, and just work work work. I know how important it is to have direction and not just be idle all the time. But it’s hard to face doing hard things, especially when the memories of summer are so fresh in my mind.

But no matter what season it is, I’m still young, and still so free. I want to find ways to keep the summer spirit alive during winter, during the six-month long winter here in Utah. I have yet to come up with actual ideas of how to do this, so suggestions in my comments box would be greatly appreciated. Maybe I’ll just keep listening to music. Keep listening to music and being happy and yelling randomly and doing spontaneous things. Afterall, I’ve still got young blood.

Me: “Lets jump off cars and jump into lakes and just be free."
My good friend Jenny: “Yeah, or punch a baby and skip work.”

Sounds good to me, Jenny.

Here’s the song and accompanying video that inspired this nostalgic post. I feel like this song is the embodiment of summer. Try and watch this without feeling reckless and free, I dare you :)

Humble Beginnings.

Oh, hello. And welcome to my blog. I know it's not much, but it's coming along. My name is Caitlin, and here is where I will record my thoughts and perspective on life for any unsuspecting person to stumble upon and read. I can't guarantee anything written here will actually be good, but I will try. Prepare yourself for the first post, which is an assignment for my Writing 150 class. Oh yeah.
(Also I hate using capital letters for anything so it's going to be interesting to see how this all plays out. Anywho.)


Child of God by President Henry B. Eyring

I felt really refreshed after reading Henry B. Eyring's talk entitled "Child of God." I felt he touched upon several points that I really needed to hear at this point in my life. I suppose I'll just dive right into the points in particular that stood out to me. The first point was when he talked about how a great learner "expects resistance and overcomes it." When I read this talk last week, I was going through some pretty rough personal problems, and this sentence just hit me so hard. I realized that I needed to stop feeling like I was being picked on because I had to deal with hard things. Everyone has to deal with hard things. It may not seem like it, because we can only see the outside of people's lives, but everyone is going through a trial of some kind right now. Every single person you've met and know. I'm sure, to other people, it appears as if my life is close to perfect, because I don't show any of my hurt or pain on the outside. But we all have trials. And it was especially important for me to realize that we're supposed to have trials. We're supposed to have trials and we're supposed to learn how to work through them. It's all part of life. It's the point of life, really.

Another point he made that I loved is that we're all children of God. It seems like an obvious statement, but how often do we think about it and put it into practice? If we truly believed that everyone is a child of God, we'd treat them likewise. We wouldn't judge or say mean things about anyone. We'd treat everyone with respect and treat them like their mothers would, or like God would. We'd look for the best in people and try to find ways that we could connect with them. I just find it very inspiring that President Eyring chose to mention this topic. It seems so basic, yet it is the core of many of our beliefs. Loving one another as Jesus loves you: it's a commandment and it's important.