who even knows: a lengthy and somewhat inconclusive discourse about self-identity.

I think the most important thing in trying to discover who you are is to figuring out what makes you different from other people. When there is absolutely no one else around, who are you? what do you do? What do you like to do? Do you like being on your own or would you rather be with people? These are facts about you. don’t feel bad about them. There is nothing wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with liking to be by yourself better than being with people. I feel this is a misconception in our society, or perhaps just Provo. The only way to be is to be extraverted. And if you’re not, there is something wrong with you. You’re not as fun as the extraverted people. Not as pretty. Not as funny. Not as flirty. Well, maybe you aren’t as overtly flirty. But is that really you wanted? To be loud and flirty and in everyone’s face all the time? It’s not what I want at all. I find those types of people to be pretty obnoxious at times.

It’s all about just coming to know yourself and being ok with whatever you find. For me, it’s coming to terms and accepting the fact that I’m introverted. So what? I usually like being by myself than being with other people. I don’t like loud situations. I like sitting quietly and listening to music. I like talking to a few people in a quiet room. I like being calm. But I also can be crazy. I like going out late on midnight wendy’s runs, blasting really loud music, and dancing around like a crazy person. I’m not boring or shy. I just usually prefer to be quieter. And the hardest part for me is realizing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being this way. I don’t need to change. I don’t need to feel an obligation to be louder and more talkative. I am fine just the way I am.

I feel like you should only start being worried when you start hating people or when you don’t talk to anyone or when you’re seriously bitter about most social encounters. When you hide in your room and can’t function around other humans. I feel like these are problems. Not horribly serious problems, but problems. And I feel like I’m definitely not at that point. I don’t hate people, I actually really love people. I love talking to people and getting to know them better and finding ways to connect with them. I love learning about what they love and where they’re from and what’s important to them. I just don’t do it loudly. And that’s fine.

What makes this hard though is I feel so outnumbered here in Provo. I feel like 95% of the people here are extraverted. They come from big Mormon families that live in Utah, and their whole high school experience has been one big BYU prep session. While this may be a generalization, I feel that it has some truth to it. I don’t feel like this is true for me. The city I grew up in definitely did not have a Mormon flavor to it. Not even close. Most people didn’t even know what a Mormon was. I’m not complaining about this at all, I’m just stating it. My surroundings were definitely not tinted with Mormonism. I hung out with people, but it wasn’t in a chummy overenthusiastic Mormon kind of way. This isn’t making sense at all, and I apologize. I’m desperately trying to convey what I mean, these ideas that are in my mind, and I am really just failing. Anyway. My high school years were different. I felt like EFY was this weird shock to my system, where I needed to be peppy and cheery, and pretend to care about everything. And it’s not that I was depressed, or bitter, or hated everyone. I just wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t used to being super involved and outgoing and eager about every single tiny thing.

I feel like being at BYU you have to concede to this attitude at least a little bit, or everyone will think you hate them. I have to be pretty cheery when I’m around people, and a little bit fake I feel in order to get them to feel comfortable. You have to be over the top at times. And that’s fine. It gives me practice. And it gives me the reassurance that I can do it. I can learn how to talk to people when I’m out of my comfort zone, and when the words I’m saying maybe aren’t the most natural. I can’t totally be myself all the time, and I accept that.

I just grow weary of feeling like I’m compared to others, like because I’m not like them, it’s bad. I really just hate that idea so much. I feel like if I were at a different school, I would be considered so much more normal. But here, I’m weird, just because I really like music and I’m kind of quiet. I’m not saying that I’d rather attend a different school, I’m just stating a fact. Socially, and musically, I’d fit in better at a different school.

And maybe this is all just crap. Maybe I just want to feel different from everyone else so I can feel cooler. Maybe I really am just like all these other joe blows and I do not stand out at all.

Who even knows.

evaluative conclusion.

So I reach the end of the road with my blog writing. It has indeed been a great journey. I am willing to own up to my procrastination; I recognize that I just pumped out about 10 blogs on the day before the assignment is due. I guess this ironically contributes to my blog, because it really does speak volumes about me. I procrastinate terribly. I guess that's probably true for most college students, but I really put the "pro" in procrastination. Anyway. Haha.

All joking aside, I really enjoyed this assignment. I feel like it helped me sort of map out my life a little bit. Like I was able to take parts of my life that are important and talk about them. I was able to elaborate on things I've thought about, or things I love, and just be myself for awhile. I feel like it helped me figure out how to organize my thoughts and make them into something coherent that my classmates and others could understand and relate to.

I also REALLY appreciate the chance to read my classmates' blogs and learn more about them. I often feel like it takes a lot of time to get to know people well, and it's sometimes awkward if you don't have a specific reason to talk to them. But with this blog assignment, I was able to read about and get to know many of the people in my class, even though I wasn't able to talk to them as in depth in real life. I had a chance to read about people's interests and hopes and what they love and what they think about and it was just interesting and generally wonderful. I love seeing what people post about when they're allowed to post about anything. Basically, I love people. I think they're beautiful and unique and wonderful. And that definitely applies to every single person in my Writing 150 class. You are all so great! I've enjoyed getting to know you so much this semester. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. I wish you the best of happinesses and I hope all of your dreams come true :)

peace & blessins, kids. peace & blessins.

but the grinch, who lived just north of whoville.... did not.

So basically, I am kind of a Grinch when it comes to Christmas music. Like, I can handle some types of Christmas music, and certain songs, but in general, I just don't really feel it. Everyone starts freaking out the day after Thanksgiving because they're "finally allowed" to start listening to Christmas music. And I'm just in the background kind of like "...yeah.... cool...." and then I just keep listening to what I was listening to before. And it's not like I don't like it. I just don't really feel the need to listen to it excessively. I just get sick of it I guess. I really appreciate Josh Groban's Christmas stuff though, just because he has an incredible voice. His version of Little Drummer Boy is really great. I know Michael Bublé is a crowd favorite when it comes to Christmas music, but I can only really handle that in small doses. Justin Bieber is also a viable option; nonetheless, I can still only handle a couple of songs. I guess I just feel this conflict within me, like I should be loving Christmas music more, as much as everyone else does. And then I just think, oh well, I like it well enough. Maybe I'll just go put on my Grinch pajamas and call it a night.


One of my favorite Christmas songs. And this version is just excellent.

all of the lights.

So my friends and I had the opportunity to go down to Temple Square last night and look at the Christmas lights. I'd only been once, and it was 2 years ago, so I'd kind of forgotten how beautiful the whole place looks at Christmastime. First of all, the temple is absolutely breathtaking, during Christmas and also during regular time. It's huge and majestic, and it is so beautiful when it's lit up at night. And the Christmas lights were so elaborate and beautiful as well. I love how they wrap each individual branch of the trees with lights; it ends up looking so sweet. I bet that takes them for-ever to do that. I love that they put the time and money and effort into it though. The effect is amazing.

I also wanted to mention the awesomeness of my friends again really quick. I love that they had the idea to go to Temple Square and that that is something they'd want to do. I'm grateful that, when we passed by numerous accidents on the way there, and the roads were way icy, that my roommate instantly thought to say a prayer that we'd make it safely. I love that I was able to laugh and joke with my friends and it was chill and calm and fun. I love that my roommate kept exclaiming "I love Christmas!" every 5 seconds; her enthusiasm was definitely infectious. I love the conversation I had with my roommate when we were inside the visitor's center trying to get warm. I basically just loved the whole experience in general, and I'm glad I have that memory to add to my bank of memories.

my roommates mallory and caitlin and I inside the visitor's center. please excuse my derping.

singing + guitar = happy caitlin

I really love singing. It's a kind of release for me, a stress reliever of sorts. It's like when I sing, it's my soul coming up out of my mouth and out into the air. Pretty cool, really. I especially love singing and playing my guitar. It really just encompasses who I am, as cheesy as that sounds. It's a huge part of me and I don't know what I'd do without it. I just wanted to share a video of me singing and playing. This is my cover of "Dream" by Priscilla Ahn. It's an absolutely gorgeous song, and I hope I do it justice. I'll post the lyrics below so you can read them; they're wonderful.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, 
and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream. 

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, 
I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. 
I said a prayer and fell asleep. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest tree. 
I had a dream. 

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. 
I'm ready now, I'm ready now,
I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. 
I had a dream.

mac or pc? is that really even a question?

Ok I don't want to sound like an elitist but really? People are seriously still asking that question? Have you ever even used a Mac? I am fairly certain that if you used one, you would not be asking this question anymore: the answer would be clear. The instant you take your hands off your huge, chunky Dell laptop and put them onto the slick and chic keys of a MacBook Pro, you'll know. You'll instantly know. They're better machines, plain and simple. They run better, have more battery, last longer, and are prettier. What better argument do you need? Yes, I realize they are very expensive, but isn't the investment worth it? You're going to be using this computer for your entire college experience, and hopefully even a good while after college. You want a machine that will last and be reliable. That's why you should buy a Mac, and stop asking stupid questions. Case closed.


(Yes, I realize this argument is very weak in some areas. But it is also 2:37 a.m. So maybe you could cut me some slack. Haha.)

research topic? herp derp

So I realize that this is a little out of order, and this post should've come waaay earlier, but oh well. You as the reader will just have to deal with the fact that I am unorganized and haphazard. Haha.

So for my research paper I wrote on the negative affects that social networking sites have on human relationships. I chose this topic because I am constantly on Facebook, and I noticed how it affected me negatively, so I wondered what research had been done on this topic. I found that a lot had been said about this topic. Most of the studies showed that excessive time spent on Facebook and other social networking sites affected those who were already struggling with low self-esteem, loneliness, and other symptoms of depression. So if you already were struggling with it, Facebook would only aggravate those feelings.

 I definitely feel that in my own life. I've struggled with low self-esteem pretty much my whole life, as I'm sure most girls have, and sometimes Facebook just makes me feel terrible. I know it's not like the corporation of Facebook that is purposely trying to make me feel terrible, but it's all the stuff that shows up on my news feed that does it. It always seem like everyone's lives are so much cooler than mine. Everyone's like going to some exotic country on a study abroad, or getting engaged, or making cool dinners, or having tons of parties and tons of friends, and you're just like, wow I really suck. Which isn't true at all. But it's so much easier to say that when you're comparing yourself to all these people you see on Facebook who seem perfect and awesome.

SO yeah, basically social networks can really mess with you if you're on them too much, and if you're already struggling with issues. I'd just say to limit usage as much as you can, and you'll be good. That's definitely something I need to work on. Which I find really sad. But it's a real thing. Fight the Facebook. Ok time to go. Haha.

final schminals.

As finals draw near, I find every ounce of energy and strength I have slowly being drained from my body. I had to take the final for my Music 190 class tonight, and boy did that just kill me. After squinting at tiny staffs and miniscule chords for an hour, I felt like my brain was going to explode. I was ready to come home and veg for hours on end. But no, I couldn't. My brain revolted against that behavior because it knew I had about 1,000 assignments to think about and stress over and try to manage. And let me tell you, I struggle with that. I struggle with constantly having to do things. I know I sound like a whiner, but finals week just slays me. I do not appreciate the constant barrage of papers, tests, and presentations. And it's not even technically finals week yet! It's like they're trying to extend finals week and make it even more hellish for us, by essentially making finals week into 2 final weeks. What even. I'm done here. Except I'm not allowed to be done here. I have to keep on trucking along and try not to fail.

 Meh.

virginia is for lovers.

I just wanted to make a quick post about how much I love Virginia. I love the people, the culture, the rain, the trees, the southern hospitality, and even the rednecks. I love pretty much every single thing about the little Central Virginian town where I spent my adolescent years. But I love Virginia for another reason as well.

Virginia helped me realize what life is like outside the comforting arms of the Church. I actually grew up in Washington State, where nearly 10% of the population is LDS. I was used to being surrounded by LDS friends, living near a temple, and having a cushion of Mormon beliefs in my life. When I was 11, my family moved across the country to Forest, Virginia, where the LDS population is minute.  This change in atmosphere greatly impacted my teenage years.  I, alone, had to stand up for what I believed, choosing my friends wisely in order to not be led astray. I learned to be a missionary in my everyday life by being an example to others. I can’t forget how being nearly the only one with my beliefs has shaped me as a person. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live in such a beautiful place with a rich culture and absolutely amazing people. I'm proud to call Virginia home :)

<3<3<3

are you listening?

Listen. What do you hear? The world is a loud place: full of people talking, competing for the center of attention. How many times in our daily lives do we take time to just stop and listen to all that is happening around us? Whether it’s to appreciate God’s many creations that surround us or to help out a friend, the art of listening has helped me become a more introspective person with a wider and clearer perspective about my place in life.

            When I am in a room packed with loud people, there is nothing I want more than to just be quiet and listen. Listen to what they’re saying, to what they’re not saying, listen to my own thoughts racing through my head. I listen for what I don’t want to be streaming from their mouths.

 I enjoy the quiet moments where I am able to listen to myself and hear who I’m becoming. In this silence, the chaos of the world is made just the tiniest bit clearer. Although all the secrets of life don’t become evident immediately, my little niche in the world becomes crisper, brighter, and more alive.

musical memories.

Ok so you're probably sick of me talking about music, but it's what I live and breathe, so prepare for another post about it. I just wanted to write really quick about how I think it's amazing that music is so closely associated with memories. Just hearing a particular song can bring up a whole slew of memories in your head, which includes smells, tastes, people, and just experiences in general. Times in your life that you identify with a certain song or artist. I just wanted to share a few very iconic songs with you that I associate with memories that are important to me.
(I'll only do 3 in the interest of time)


1. Owl City - Sky Diver

I can't even really begin to describe what this song means to me. It was the first Owl City song I ever heard. I remember being in my friend's room in Virginia, and she had her iPod hooked up to her speakers, and it was just on shuffle. and this song came on, and I was just like in the bathroom doing my hair or something, and it really caught my attention. I came into her room and I was like "...what is this?" And she didn't know so she looked at her iPod and told me, and said that her friend had put a bunch of music on her computer so she hadn't listened to all of it yet. Little did I know that hearing this song would open a door that would lead to so many wonderful things. After I went home, I downloaded every Owl City song that existed, and quickly became obsessed. I love his lyrics: they're full of hope and a simple happiness that I just love. His voice is light and floats so well on the positive messages in his songs. I just love him, haha. So here's the song! It's a good one.

2. Incubus - Dig

This song represents high school to me. Particularly my senior year. I know that's not the time that it came out, but that's when I first heard it. Upon hearing it for the first time, I immediately fell in love. Brandon Boyd's voice is just incredible. It's powerful and edgy and so full of emotion. And he's got an incredible range. I associate this song with this guy that I was really good friends with my senior year. He was super chill and cool and liked way awesome music. And he introduced me to this song, so I thought of him everytime I heard it. And I grew to like it even more because of that. It also helped me learn to appreciate Incubus more, which I loved, because they rule. It's just a really gritty, real love song that I just love.

3. Jon Foreman - House of God, Forever

I know I'm going to have a hard time explaining what this song means to me as well. This song is a rendition of the 23rd Psalm, "The Lord Is My Shepherd," and it just beautiful. Jon Foreman is the lead singer of the Christian rock band Switchfoot, whom I really love. Jon's solo stuff is really incredible. He focuses a lot more on the Christian aspect of the music (which, I'll be honest, I find obnoxious in some artists), but he does it very simply and masterfully and his songs definitely are just simple worship songs to the Lord. I particularly identify with this one because I always felt like it applied to me individually. Especially the line that says "Even while I'm walking through the valley of death and dying, I will not fear, 'cause You are with me, You're always with me." I remember listening to this song and just crying so much when he got to that line, because I felt like I was in that valley, and the song was describing exactly how I felt. And then I was so comforted because I knew that the Lord is my shepherd and that He's always with me. So yeah, I didn't explain that very well, but I just love this song. It means a lot to me.

I wish I could share more songs, because there are just so many songs that I love and associate with great memories and experiences and times in my life. But I hope you've enjoyed these few that I've been able to share with you.



there is so much more than you think:
meanings rooted in the trees,
pulsing through the branches,
dispersing through the leaves.
it's a beauty that will surely bring you to your knees.


-all the day holiday

a desperate plea.

Dear occupants of the 5th floor of the Harold B. Lee Library,

Hello. It’s nice to see you again. I’ve noticed that we’ve both been up here a lot lately, and I’m really feeling it’s because finals are coming up very soon. I know that we both have a lot to get done, so I won’t take too much of your time. I just wanted to address a few things that I’ve been noticing as I sit up here studying. First, I was just wondering if you were aware what level of the floor we’re on. You see, this is the 5^th floor. The 3^rd floor is 2 levels down, and it’s entitled the “No Shh Zone.” That means that you can talk and it’s fine and no one will get mad at you. But this is the 5^th floor. The 5^TH FLOOR. It’s NOT entitled the “No Shh Zone.” This means that if you talk, it really irritates those around you. Especially when you’re stage whispering and it’s freaking loud. I concede that whispering to your friends occasionally is fine on this floor. But a constant stream of useless dribbling conversation is not appropriate in this setting. Or any setting, for that matter. So if you could quit that jabbering, that would be superb.

I also realize that whatever video you’re watching and sharing with your friends is probably actually very funny, but I would also like to remark that there is a time and a place for everything. And here and now, on the 5^th floor of the library, is neither the time nor the place to be showing your friends that latest Kid History video. Yes, it’s hilarious, but not here, where it’s dead silent, and the only noise is your raucous laughter echoing off every wall.

I apologize that this seems like a rant, but I feel that it is an important issue that must be discussed. I would just like to reiterate that you’re not fooling anyone with your obnoxious whispering and giggling. It’s very loud. And I can hear it very loudly next to me as I’m trying to read. So if you could just stop that, and get back to doing your homework, which is what the library is for, then we can all just live happily and in harmony together as one. Please and thank you. Peace and blessins.

good friends are good.

Welp y’all, the semester is almost over. And I have 11 blogs to write before tomorrow. So let’s get started. Haha.

I just wanted to write a couple words about something I was thinking about the other day. I was kneeling down on my floor, saying my nightly prayers, and I just started thinking about how awesome the people in my life are. I’d just spent the evening hanging out with some really good friends, and it all just kind of hit me in that moment how cool everybody is. I thought about each of my friends, and the qualities they have that really stood out to me. For example, one of my roommates is just such a great example to me. She is kind and caring, and genuinely cares about and loves people. I didn’t know her very well when I moved in, and she has just made the hugest effort to welcome me into her group of friends and make me feel like I belong. And I really do feel like I belong. And that is just an amazing feeling, because I haven’t felt like I’ve belonged in a very, very long time. And going from not belonging to belonging just feels so good. With this group of friends I feel like I can be myself. I can talk freely and people laugh at my dumb jokes. I’m part of the group. I’m part of the team. It just feels so good.

Anywayyy… I’m getting sidetracked. I was talking about my friends and their awesome qualities, haha. I’ll just give a few more examples. Another one of my friends from that group is also very genuine and caring. I didn’t know him very well either before this year, but I’ve really enjoyed getting to know him better. He is just a kind, sincere, happy person, and I really appreciate that. I appreciate his spirit and his willingness to get to know me and accept me. I just remember feeling very happy as I sat and said my prayers, naming off all of these awesome people and all of their individual awesome qualities. I felt very blessed to be able to associate with them, and that I was able to call them my friends.

I know with certainty that I was supposed to be with this people at this time in my life. God had it written in the plan for my life that I would room with my current roommates, and that I would be accepted into their group and make friends with their friends. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time, and I can attribute it to my awesome friends :)