who even knows: a lengthy and somewhat inconclusive discourse about self-identity.

I think the most important thing in trying to discover who you are is to figuring out what makes you different from other people. When there is absolutely no one else around, who are you? what do you do? What do you like to do? Do you like being on your own or would you rather be with people? These are facts about you. don’t feel bad about them. There is nothing wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with liking to be by yourself better than being with people. I feel this is a misconception in our society, or perhaps just Provo. The only way to be is to be extraverted. And if you’re not, there is something wrong with you. You’re not as fun as the extraverted people. Not as pretty. Not as funny. Not as flirty. Well, maybe you aren’t as overtly flirty. But is that really you wanted? To be loud and flirty and in everyone’s face all the time? It’s not what I want at all. I find those types of people to be pretty obnoxious at times.

It’s all about just coming to know yourself and being ok with whatever you find. For me, it’s coming to terms and accepting the fact that I’m introverted. So what? I usually like being by myself than being with other people. I don’t like loud situations. I like sitting quietly and listening to music. I like talking to a few people in a quiet room. I like being calm. But I also can be crazy. I like going out late on midnight wendy’s runs, blasting really loud music, and dancing around like a crazy person. I’m not boring or shy. I just usually prefer to be quieter. And the hardest part for me is realizing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being this way. I don’t need to change. I don’t need to feel an obligation to be louder and more talkative. I am fine just the way I am.

I feel like you should only start being worried when you start hating people or when you don’t talk to anyone or when you’re seriously bitter about most social encounters. When you hide in your room and can’t function around other humans. I feel like these are problems. Not horribly serious problems, but problems. And I feel like I’m definitely not at that point. I don’t hate people, I actually really love people. I love talking to people and getting to know them better and finding ways to connect with them. I love learning about what they love and where they’re from and what’s important to them. I just don’t do it loudly. And that’s fine.

What makes this hard though is I feel so outnumbered here in Provo. I feel like 95% of the people here are extraverted. They come from big Mormon families that live in Utah, and their whole high school experience has been one big BYU prep session. While this may be a generalization, I feel that it has some truth to it. I don’t feel like this is true for me. The city I grew up in definitely did not have a Mormon flavor to it. Not even close. Most people didn’t even know what a Mormon was. I’m not complaining about this at all, I’m just stating it. My surroundings were definitely not tinted with Mormonism. I hung out with people, but it wasn’t in a chummy overenthusiastic Mormon kind of way. This isn’t making sense at all, and I apologize. I’m desperately trying to convey what I mean, these ideas that are in my mind, and I am really just failing. Anyway. My high school years were different. I felt like EFY was this weird shock to my system, where I needed to be peppy and cheery, and pretend to care about everything. And it’s not that I was depressed, or bitter, or hated everyone. I just wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t used to being super involved and outgoing and eager about every single tiny thing.

I feel like being at BYU you have to concede to this attitude at least a little bit, or everyone will think you hate them. I have to be pretty cheery when I’m around people, and a little bit fake I feel in order to get them to feel comfortable. You have to be over the top at times. And that’s fine. It gives me practice. And it gives me the reassurance that I can do it. I can learn how to talk to people when I’m out of my comfort zone, and when the words I’m saying maybe aren’t the most natural. I can’t totally be myself all the time, and I accept that.

I just grow weary of feeling like I’m compared to others, like because I’m not like them, it’s bad. I really just hate that idea so much. I feel like if I were at a different school, I would be considered so much more normal. But here, I’m weird, just because I really like music and I’m kind of quiet. I’m not saying that I’d rather attend a different school, I’m just stating a fact. Socially, and musically, I’d fit in better at a different school.

And maybe this is all just crap. Maybe I just want to feel different from everyone else so I can feel cooler. Maybe I really am just like all these other joe blows and I do not stand out at all.

Who even knows.