who even knows: a lengthy and somewhat inconclusive discourse about self-identity.

I think the most important thing in trying to discover who you are is to figuring out what makes you different from other people. When there is absolutely no one else around, who are you? what do you do? What do you like to do? Do you like being on your own or would you rather be with people? These are facts about you. don’t feel bad about them. There is nothing wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with liking to be by yourself better than being with people. I feel this is a misconception in our society, or perhaps just Provo. The only way to be is to be extraverted. And if you’re not, there is something wrong with you. You’re not as fun as the extraverted people. Not as pretty. Not as funny. Not as flirty. Well, maybe you aren’t as overtly flirty. But is that really you wanted? To be loud and flirty and in everyone’s face all the time? It’s not what I want at all. I find those types of people to be pretty obnoxious at times.

It’s all about just coming to know yourself and being ok with whatever you find. For me, it’s coming to terms and accepting the fact that I’m introverted. So what? I usually like being by myself than being with other people. I don’t like loud situations. I like sitting quietly and listening to music. I like talking to a few people in a quiet room. I like being calm. But I also can be crazy. I like going out late on midnight wendy’s runs, blasting really loud music, and dancing around like a crazy person. I’m not boring or shy. I just usually prefer to be quieter. And the hardest part for me is realizing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being this way. I don’t need to change. I don’t need to feel an obligation to be louder and more talkative. I am fine just the way I am.

I feel like you should only start being worried when you start hating people or when you don’t talk to anyone or when you’re seriously bitter about most social encounters. When you hide in your room and can’t function around other humans. I feel like these are problems. Not horribly serious problems, but problems. And I feel like I’m definitely not at that point. I don’t hate people, I actually really love people. I love talking to people and getting to know them better and finding ways to connect with them. I love learning about what they love and where they’re from and what’s important to them. I just don’t do it loudly. And that’s fine.

What makes this hard though is I feel so outnumbered here in Provo. I feel like 95% of the people here are extraverted. They come from big Mormon families that live in Utah, and their whole high school experience has been one big BYU prep session. While this may be a generalization, I feel that it has some truth to it. I don’t feel like this is true for me. The city I grew up in definitely did not have a Mormon flavor to it. Not even close. Most people didn’t even know what a Mormon was. I’m not complaining about this at all, I’m just stating it. My surroundings were definitely not tinted with Mormonism. I hung out with people, but it wasn’t in a chummy overenthusiastic Mormon kind of way. This isn’t making sense at all, and I apologize. I’m desperately trying to convey what I mean, these ideas that are in my mind, and I am really just failing. Anyway. My high school years were different. I felt like EFY was this weird shock to my system, where I needed to be peppy and cheery, and pretend to care about everything. And it’s not that I was depressed, or bitter, or hated everyone. I just wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t used to being super involved and outgoing and eager about every single tiny thing.

I feel like being at BYU you have to concede to this attitude at least a little bit, or everyone will think you hate them. I have to be pretty cheery when I’m around people, and a little bit fake I feel in order to get them to feel comfortable. You have to be over the top at times. And that’s fine. It gives me practice. And it gives me the reassurance that I can do it. I can learn how to talk to people when I’m out of my comfort zone, and when the words I’m saying maybe aren’t the most natural. I can’t totally be myself all the time, and I accept that.

I just grow weary of feeling like I’m compared to others, like because I’m not like them, it’s bad. I really just hate that idea so much. I feel like if I were at a different school, I would be considered so much more normal. But here, I’m weird, just because I really like music and I’m kind of quiet. I’m not saying that I’d rather attend a different school, I’m just stating a fact. Socially, and musically, I’d fit in better at a different school.

And maybe this is all just crap. Maybe I just want to feel different from everyone else so I can feel cooler. Maybe I really am just like all these other joe blows and I do not stand out at all.

Who even knows.

evaluative conclusion.

So I reach the end of the road with my blog writing. It has indeed been a great journey. I am willing to own up to my procrastination; I recognize that I just pumped out about 10 blogs on the day before the assignment is due. I guess this ironically contributes to my blog, because it really does speak volumes about me. I procrastinate terribly. I guess that's probably true for most college students, but I really put the "pro" in procrastination. Anyway. Haha.

All joking aside, I really enjoyed this assignment. I feel like it helped me sort of map out my life a little bit. Like I was able to take parts of my life that are important and talk about them. I was able to elaborate on things I've thought about, or things I love, and just be myself for awhile. I feel like it helped me figure out how to organize my thoughts and make them into something coherent that my classmates and others could understand and relate to.

I also REALLY appreciate the chance to read my classmates' blogs and learn more about them. I often feel like it takes a lot of time to get to know people well, and it's sometimes awkward if you don't have a specific reason to talk to them. But with this blog assignment, I was able to read about and get to know many of the people in my class, even though I wasn't able to talk to them as in depth in real life. I had a chance to read about people's interests and hopes and what they love and what they think about and it was just interesting and generally wonderful. I love seeing what people post about when they're allowed to post about anything. Basically, I love people. I think they're beautiful and unique and wonderful. And that definitely applies to every single person in my Writing 150 class. You are all so great! I've enjoyed getting to know you so much this semester. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. I wish you the best of happinesses and I hope all of your dreams come true :)

peace & blessins, kids. peace & blessins.

but the grinch, who lived just north of whoville.... did not.

So basically, I am kind of a Grinch when it comes to Christmas music. Like, I can handle some types of Christmas music, and certain songs, but in general, I just don't really feel it. Everyone starts freaking out the day after Thanksgiving because they're "finally allowed" to start listening to Christmas music. And I'm just in the background kind of like "...yeah.... cool...." and then I just keep listening to what I was listening to before. And it's not like I don't like it. I just don't really feel the need to listen to it excessively. I just get sick of it I guess. I really appreciate Josh Groban's Christmas stuff though, just because he has an incredible voice. His version of Little Drummer Boy is really great. I know Michael Bublé is a crowd favorite when it comes to Christmas music, but I can only really handle that in small doses. Justin Bieber is also a viable option; nonetheless, I can still only handle a couple of songs. I guess I just feel this conflict within me, like I should be loving Christmas music more, as much as everyone else does. And then I just think, oh well, I like it well enough. Maybe I'll just go put on my Grinch pajamas and call it a night.


One of my favorite Christmas songs. And this version is just excellent.

all of the lights.

So my friends and I had the opportunity to go down to Temple Square last night and look at the Christmas lights. I'd only been once, and it was 2 years ago, so I'd kind of forgotten how beautiful the whole place looks at Christmastime. First of all, the temple is absolutely breathtaking, during Christmas and also during regular time. It's huge and majestic, and it is so beautiful when it's lit up at night. And the Christmas lights were so elaborate and beautiful as well. I love how they wrap each individual branch of the trees with lights; it ends up looking so sweet. I bet that takes them for-ever to do that. I love that they put the time and money and effort into it though. The effect is amazing.

I also wanted to mention the awesomeness of my friends again really quick. I love that they had the idea to go to Temple Square and that that is something they'd want to do. I'm grateful that, when we passed by numerous accidents on the way there, and the roads were way icy, that my roommate instantly thought to say a prayer that we'd make it safely. I love that I was able to laugh and joke with my friends and it was chill and calm and fun. I love that my roommate kept exclaiming "I love Christmas!" every 5 seconds; her enthusiasm was definitely infectious. I love the conversation I had with my roommate when we were inside the visitor's center trying to get warm. I basically just loved the whole experience in general, and I'm glad I have that memory to add to my bank of memories.

my roommates mallory and caitlin and I inside the visitor's center. please excuse my derping.

singing + guitar = happy caitlin

I really love singing. It's a kind of release for me, a stress reliever of sorts. It's like when I sing, it's my soul coming up out of my mouth and out into the air. Pretty cool, really. I especially love singing and playing my guitar. It really just encompasses who I am, as cheesy as that sounds. It's a huge part of me and I don't know what I'd do without it. I just wanted to share a video of me singing and playing. This is my cover of "Dream" by Priscilla Ahn. It's an absolutely gorgeous song, and I hope I do it justice. I'll post the lyrics below so you can read them; they're wonderful.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. 
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, 
and laughed in my pretty bed of green. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream. 

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, 
I asked God who I'm supposed to be. 
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. 
I said a prayer and fell asleep. 

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest tree. 
I had a dream. 

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. 
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. 
I'm ready now, I'm ready now,
I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. 
I had a dream.

mac or pc? is that really even a question?

Ok I don't want to sound like an elitist but really? People are seriously still asking that question? Have you ever even used a Mac? I am fairly certain that if you used one, you would not be asking this question anymore: the answer would be clear. The instant you take your hands off your huge, chunky Dell laptop and put them onto the slick and chic keys of a MacBook Pro, you'll know. You'll instantly know. They're better machines, plain and simple. They run better, have more battery, last longer, and are prettier. What better argument do you need? Yes, I realize they are very expensive, but isn't the investment worth it? You're going to be using this computer for your entire college experience, and hopefully even a good while after college. You want a machine that will last and be reliable. That's why you should buy a Mac, and stop asking stupid questions. Case closed.


(Yes, I realize this argument is very weak in some areas. But it is also 2:37 a.m. So maybe you could cut me some slack. Haha.)

research topic? herp derp

So I realize that this is a little out of order, and this post should've come waaay earlier, but oh well. You as the reader will just have to deal with the fact that I am unorganized and haphazard. Haha.

So for my research paper I wrote on the negative affects that social networking sites have on human relationships. I chose this topic because I am constantly on Facebook, and I noticed how it affected me negatively, so I wondered what research had been done on this topic. I found that a lot had been said about this topic. Most of the studies showed that excessive time spent on Facebook and other social networking sites affected those who were already struggling with low self-esteem, loneliness, and other symptoms of depression. So if you already were struggling with it, Facebook would only aggravate those feelings.

 I definitely feel that in my own life. I've struggled with low self-esteem pretty much my whole life, as I'm sure most girls have, and sometimes Facebook just makes me feel terrible. I know it's not like the corporation of Facebook that is purposely trying to make me feel terrible, but it's all the stuff that shows up on my news feed that does it. It always seem like everyone's lives are so much cooler than mine. Everyone's like going to some exotic country on a study abroad, or getting engaged, or making cool dinners, or having tons of parties and tons of friends, and you're just like, wow I really suck. Which isn't true at all. But it's so much easier to say that when you're comparing yourself to all these people you see on Facebook who seem perfect and awesome.

SO yeah, basically social networks can really mess with you if you're on them too much, and if you're already struggling with issues. I'd just say to limit usage as much as you can, and you'll be good. That's definitely something I need to work on. Which I find really sad. But it's a real thing. Fight the Facebook. Ok time to go. Haha.

final schminals.

As finals draw near, I find every ounce of energy and strength I have slowly being drained from my body. I had to take the final for my Music 190 class tonight, and boy did that just kill me. After squinting at tiny staffs and miniscule chords for an hour, I felt like my brain was going to explode. I was ready to come home and veg for hours on end. But no, I couldn't. My brain revolted against that behavior because it knew I had about 1,000 assignments to think about and stress over and try to manage. And let me tell you, I struggle with that. I struggle with constantly having to do things. I know I sound like a whiner, but finals week just slays me. I do not appreciate the constant barrage of papers, tests, and presentations. And it's not even technically finals week yet! It's like they're trying to extend finals week and make it even more hellish for us, by essentially making finals week into 2 final weeks. What even. I'm done here. Except I'm not allowed to be done here. I have to keep on trucking along and try not to fail.

 Meh.

virginia is for lovers.

I just wanted to make a quick post about how much I love Virginia. I love the people, the culture, the rain, the trees, the southern hospitality, and even the rednecks. I love pretty much every single thing about the little Central Virginian town where I spent my adolescent years. But I love Virginia for another reason as well.

Virginia helped me realize what life is like outside the comforting arms of the Church. I actually grew up in Washington State, where nearly 10% of the population is LDS. I was used to being surrounded by LDS friends, living near a temple, and having a cushion of Mormon beliefs in my life. When I was 11, my family moved across the country to Forest, Virginia, where the LDS population is minute.  This change in atmosphere greatly impacted my teenage years.  I, alone, had to stand up for what I believed, choosing my friends wisely in order to not be led astray. I learned to be a missionary in my everyday life by being an example to others. I can’t forget how being nearly the only one with my beliefs has shaped me as a person. I am so grateful for the opportunity to live in such a beautiful place with a rich culture and absolutely amazing people. I'm proud to call Virginia home :)

<3<3<3

are you listening?

Listen. What do you hear? The world is a loud place: full of people talking, competing for the center of attention. How many times in our daily lives do we take time to just stop and listen to all that is happening around us? Whether it’s to appreciate God’s many creations that surround us or to help out a friend, the art of listening has helped me become a more introspective person with a wider and clearer perspective about my place in life.

            When I am in a room packed with loud people, there is nothing I want more than to just be quiet and listen. Listen to what they’re saying, to what they’re not saying, listen to my own thoughts racing through my head. I listen for what I don’t want to be streaming from their mouths.

 I enjoy the quiet moments where I am able to listen to myself and hear who I’m becoming. In this silence, the chaos of the world is made just the tiniest bit clearer. Although all the secrets of life don’t become evident immediately, my little niche in the world becomes crisper, brighter, and more alive.

musical memories.

Ok so you're probably sick of me talking about music, but it's what I live and breathe, so prepare for another post about it. I just wanted to write really quick about how I think it's amazing that music is so closely associated with memories. Just hearing a particular song can bring up a whole slew of memories in your head, which includes smells, tastes, people, and just experiences in general. Times in your life that you identify with a certain song or artist. I just wanted to share a few very iconic songs with you that I associate with memories that are important to me.
(I'll only do 3 in the interest of time)


1. Owl City - Sky Diver

I can't even really begin to describe what this song means to me. It was the first Owl City song I ever heard. I remember being in my friend's room in Virginia, and she had her iPod hooked up to her speakers, and it was just on shuffle. and this song came on, and I was just like in the bathroom doing my hair or something, and it really caught my attention. I came into her room and I was like "...what is this?" And she didn't know so she looked at her iPod and told me, and said that her friend had put a bunch of music on her computer so she hadn't listened to all of it yet. Little did I know that hearing this song would open a door that would lead to so many wonderful things. After I went home, I downloaded every Owl City song that existed, and quickly became obsessed. I love his lyrics: they're full of hope and a simple happiness that I just love. His voice is light and floats so well on the positive messages in his songs. I just love him, haha. So here's the song! It's a good one.

2. Incubus - Dig

This song represents high school to me. Particularly my senior year. I know that's not the time that it came out, but that's when I first heard it. Upon hearing it for the first time, I immediately fell in love. Brandon Boyd's voice is just incredible. It's powerful and edgy and so full of emotion. And he's got an incredible range. I associate this song with this guy that I was really good friends with my senior year. He was super chill and cool and liked way awesome music. And he introduced me to this song, so I thought of him everytime I heard it. And I grew to like it even more because of that. It also helped me learn to appreciate Incubus more, which I loved, because they rule. It's just a really gritty, real love song that I just love.

3. Jon Foreman - House of God, Forever

I know I'm going to have a hard time explaining what this song means to me as well. This song is a rendition of the 23rd Psalm, "The Lord Is My Shepherd," and it just beautiful. Jon Foreman is the lead singer of the Christian rock band Switchfoot, whom I really love. Jon's solo stuff is really incredible. He focuses a lot more on the Christian aspect of the music (which, I'll be honest, I find obnoxious in some artists), but he does it very simply and masterfully and his songs definitely are just simple worship songs to the Lord. I particularly identify with this one because I always felt like it applied to me individually. Especially the line that says "Even while I'm walking through the valley of death and dying, I will not fear, 'cause You are with me, You're always with me." I remember listening to this song and just crying so much when he got to that line, because I felt like I was in that valley, and the song was describing exactly how I felt. And then I was so comforted because I knew that the Lord is my shepherd and that He's always with me. So yeah, I didn't explain that very well, but I just love this song. It means a lot to me.

I wish I could share more songs, because there are just so many songs that I love and associate with great memories and experiences and times in my life. But I hope you've enjoyed these few that I've been able to share with you.



there is so much more than you think:
meanings rooted in the trees,
pulsing through the branches,
dispersing through the leaves.
it's a beauty that will surely bring you to your knees.


-all the day holiday

a desperate plea.

Dear occupants of the 5th floor of the Harold B. Lee Library,

Hello. It’s nice to see you again. I’ve noticed that we’ve both been up here a lot lately, and I’m really feeling it’s because finals are coming up very soon. I know that we both have a lot to get done, so I won’t take too much of your time. I just wanted to address a few things that I’ve been noticing as I sit up here studying. First, I was just wondering if you were aware what level of the floor we’re on. You see, this is the 5^th floor. The 3^rd floor is 2 levels down, and it’s entitled the “No Shh Zone.” That means that you can talk and it’s fine and no one will get mad at you. But this is the 5^th floor. The 5^TH FLOOR. It’s NOT entitled the “No Shh Zone.” This means that if you talk, it really irritates those around you. Especially when you’re stage whispering and it’s freaking loud. I concede that whispering to your friends occasionally is fine on this floor. But a constant stream of useless dribbling conversation is not appropriate in this setting. Or any setting, for that matter. So if you could quit that jabbering, that would be superb.

I also realize that whatever video you’re watching and sharing with your friends is probably actually very funny, but I would also like to remark that there is a time and a place for everything. And here and now, on the 5^th floor of the library, is neither the time nor the place to be showing your friends that latest Kid History video. Yes, it’s hilarious, but not here, where it’s dead silent, and the only noise is your raucous laughter echoing off every wall.

I apologize that this seems like a rant, but I feel that it is an important issue that must be discussed. I would just like to reiterate that you’re not fooling anyone with your obnoxious whispering and giggling. It’s very loud. And I can hear it very loudly next to me as I’m trying to read. So if you could just stop that, and get back to doing your homework, which is what the library is for, then we can all just live happily and in harmony together as one. Please and thank you. Peace and blessins.

good friends are good.

Welp y’all, the semester is almost over. And I have 11 blogs to write before tomorrow. So let’s get started. Haha.

I just wanted to write a couple words about something I was thinking about the other day. I was kneeling down on my floor, saying my nightly prayers, and I just started thinking about how awesome the people in my life are. I’d just spent the evening hanging out with some really good friends, and it all just kind of hit me in that moment how cool everybody is. I thought about each of my friends, and the qualities they have that really stood out to me. For example, one of my roommates is just such a great example to me. She is kind and caring, and genuinely cares about and loves people. I didn’t know her very well when I moved in, and she has just made the hugest effort to welcome me into her group of friends and make me feel like I belong. And I really do feel like I belong. And that is just an amazing feeling, because I haven’t felt like I’ve belonged in a very, very long time. And going from not belonging to belonging just feels so good. With this group of friends I feel like I can be myself. I can talk freely and people laugh at my dumb jokes. I’m part of the group. I’m part of the team. It just feels so good.

Anywayyy… I’m getting sidetracked. I was talking about my friends and their awesome qualities, haha. I’ll just give a few more examples. Another one of my friends from that group is also very genuine and caring. I didn’t know him very well either before this year, but I’ve really enjoyed getting to know him better. He is just a kind, sincere, happy person, and I really appreciate that. I appreciate his spirit and his willingness to get to know me and accept me. I just remember feeling very happy as I sat and said my prayers, naming off all of these awesome people and all of their individual awesome qualities. I felt very blessed to be able to associate with them, and that I was able to call them my friends.

I know with certainty that I was supposed to be with this people at this time in my life. God had it written in the plan for my life that I would room with my current roommates, and that I would be accepted into their group and make friends with their friends. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time, and I can attribute it to my awesome friends :)

personal narrative.

    The day begins just like any other. I roll out of bed with barely enough time to get to class. I shower and pull my wet hair into a high bun. I don’t put on makeup because there’s no one to get ready for. I grab my backpack and hurriedly rush out the door into the brisk winter air.  I rush to catch the bus and crowd on with everyone else. They’re all chatting and laughing with each other, why aren’t I? I know why. I’m ugly, fat, and stupid. Why would anyone talk to me? These thoughts echo in my mind, repeating over and over. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Fat, fat, fat. Stupid, stupid, stupid. A girl sits down next to me and starts fiddling with the headphones for her iPod. She turns to me and says with a laugh, “Don’t you just hate when your headphones get tangled?” I try to talk, but my words are forced. My voice catches in my throat and she just stares at me. I stop trying and shut my mouth. I turn away as my face turns bright red. She must think I’m a total freak, I think. I definitely am a freak.

            The rest of the day continues in the same fashion, the same negative thoughts repeating over and over in my brain. They won’t leave, no matter how hard I try. I just can’t get over how there are 30,000 students on this campus, yet I still feel so alone. I’m just one of the cattle in this huge herd, slogging through the mire from class to class. There is no way that anyone would ever pay attention to me, or even see me. No one wants to be friends with an ugly, fat, stupid girl who can’t even speak. I spend the remainder of day feeling terrible, but immersed in my music. It helps.

            I am done with classes and I go home for the day. I sit by myself for hours on end, and it hurts. The music helps, but it still hurts. I pray to feel better, to have the strength to make it through the day. God and music, that’s all I have.

            It’s the next day and everything is the same. I can’t fake happy. I can’t force it into my skin, my heart. But I can almost reach out and grab it, it’s so tangible in the air. I can see it on the faces of those around me, in the hands of couples holding each other, in the eyes of young mothers and their babies. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy! But the negative thoughts won’t leave. They’re a nasty smog hovering over my mind, coating all of my thoughts and experiences. And then I remember that I am unlovable, boring, and dull and that I don’t deserve to be happy at all. I don’t deserve friends. I am lower than everyone else around me. It becomes too much to fight. I stop trying because it’s too hard. It’s easier to be bitter, to stay down.

            I face another day alone. I have become very numb and cold inside. I want to feel but I haven’t for so long that I have forgotten how. A boy in one of my classes turns to me and asks simply “Hey, did you get the homework?” I stare at him vacantly. I don’t have anything to say to him; all of my words are gone. He keeps talking and I turn away, ashamed. I am shy and broken. And in that moment it all hits me so hard and I cover my mouth to keep from screaming. I can’t even speak to another person. I have no connection to any other humans. I have to change, do something. I have to get help. I have to get out. No one can do it for me; I have to help myself out. I am alone for a few more hours, gathering courage, and then I go in to talk. The man in the chair is kind and nice, but I am hesitant at first. He asks me what’s wrong and all I can get out is “I need help.” He probably won’t be able to help me, I am too far gone. But then I am talking and talking and crying and spitting my soul up out into the air and he’s actually listening, why is he listening? I don’t know, but I continue. I continue to talk every week, and slowly I learn to lift my head up from the dust. I struggle, stumbling on the positivity that I try to weave into my head. I am not used to it; it’s unnatural and awkward. But I keep trying even though it’s so hard. It’s better to stay positive, to keep my head up.

            I try and try and and slowly, so slowly, I learn to train my mind. The boy from my class asks me “Hey, how’s it going?” and I stutter, but I talk. I talk and try to smile. It feels fake at first, but it becomes more real each time I smile. I know now that I have had the strength in me all along; I just needed to believe. 

            A few months later, I am walking through campus, and the day is bright and clear. I smile as one of my favorite songs comes on my iPod. It lifts me up onto another plane, and I keep smiling because in that moment, the music is all I need. I walk into my first class with a little spring in my step and I smile again because I know that I have friends. I am warm and kind and not a single negative thought crosses my mind throughout the whole class. I still have God and music, but I have so much more as well. I have myself on my side. I am beautiful, strong, and brave and I won’t go down that far again. There are days when I am pushed down and I feel it all coming back, but I fight.  I remember that the world is beautiful and I am alive. I will grow and grow until I am tall.

hurry up, we're dreaming.

I can’t really focus on anything so I decided to post a blog. I’m literally sitting here at my computer trying to study and do things, and all I can think about is taking a nap. It’s like the word NAP is printed really big on the inside of my brain, and it’s literally the only word my brain can comprehend right now.

Soooo… trying to stave off the urge to take a nap. Haha.

So I just wanted to talk about music. Music is pretty much my life. I know a lot of people say that, so it sounds really cliché, and it may be true for them, but it is definitely true for me. Music runs my life. I’m constantly listening to it. Or singing it. Or playing it. Or thinking about it. Or surfing it. It’s just a constant presence in my life. And I really just wouldn’t have it any other way. Most of the time I feel like it’s a blessing to be this obsessed with music, but at times I feel like it’s a curse.

Let me give you an example.

Because I’m obsessed with music, I decided to form a ‘music appreciation club’ that meets once a week. We sit and listen to one album straight through, beginning to end, really loud on my nice speakers. People can just sit, lay down, do homework, surf the Internet, or do basically whatever they want during it. It’s just a time set aside to sit and appreciate music, nothing too complicated. Oh and incense is usually burned. Haha. So I thought this was a pretty cool idea, and I invited all my friends to join the group I made for it on Facebook. I had some people show interest, and so I added them to the group. A lot of people I talked to said things along the lines of “Wow, that’s such a great idea! I’ll be sure to come!”

Except….. they didn’t. People came for the first couple of meetings, but then it peetered out into just being me and my best friend Jenny, who is basically like a co-chair for the club with me. So I just got discouraged, because literally no one cares. No one cares about music as much as I do. That sounds really pompous and purist-y, but it’s true. No one really gives a flying frick.

So Jenny and I just sat and listened to the music by ourselves. We appreciated it at least.

So yeah, sometimes I just feel my obsession with music sets me apart from other people. And it’s hard for me to understand when people aren’t as into music as I am. It’s not a HUGE deal though, it’s not like I can’t talk to people about anything other than music. It helps though, haha. When someone is actually into music, I get so excited, because I literally have so much to say about it. We will probably actually have a decent conversation that I will actually enjoy. Yippee.

I also wanted to just put a little plug in for the band M83’s latest album “Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming.” Holy CRAP. I mean I knew this band was good, cuz they’re older stuff is amazing, but I can’t even explain to you what this album is doing for me right now. Even listening to it loud on my little laptop speakers is just sounding so amazing. You know those times when you’re listening to music and you literally can’t turn it down or off because it just sounds so good? Yep, that’s happening right now. So, if you care, please please please go give it a listen. I suggest starting at the beginning and just making your way through it. Your ears will thank you.

(This isn't the best song from the album by any means, but it's the single. And the only one I could find a decent version of on Youtube. Go figure.)

-M83 - Midnight City-

caitlin's life lessons.

So I haven’t been feeling very happy lately. I’ve been in a sort of social and emotional funk, and I keep trying to pinpoint why. I’ve got it down to a couple things. Of course there are many factors that can contribute to a person’s unhappiness, but these are just some I’d like to address that I’ve noticed in myself. Hopefully they could help you to feel more happy as well :)

(Keep in mind that this list isn’t complete, it’s an ongoing thing that I occasionally add to. yeah yeah yeah.)

(I also hope they don’t come off as super cliché or cheesy, but if they do, I apologize. These are just things I’ve come to realize while living my life and I’d like to share them with you.)

-Caitlin’s life lessons-

1. Accept yourself.

Accept yourself for who you are rather than always trying to change and be like someone else. The sooner you accept yourself, the sooner you will feel inner conflict go away. It makes for much more peaceful living.

This one is especially applicable to my life. Not a day goes by where I don’t compare myself to other people, mostly other girls. I feel like I never measure up. Everyone is prettier, funnier, skinnier, nicer, smarter, more talented, etc etc etc. The list really does just go on and on. It’s incredibly disheartening and there’s no way out of it unless you just stop. Stop comparing and accept yourself. You’re beautiful just the way you are, it’s true! It’s like that sort of terrible but actually kind of good Bruno Mars song. You’re amazing just the way you are. Believe it. It’s true. No one expects you to be anything but yourself. Stop thinking negative thoughts, stop thinking you’re not good enough. You’re good enough. Now go live.

2. Don’t let the bad days make you forget about the good days.

I feel like this one is especially applicable to my life as well, haha. As mentioned earlier, I just get in these funks that I believe I won’t get out of. Things just suck, you know? I’m not doing well in school, I’m behind in my schoolwork, I’m tired, I feel ugly, I don’t feel like I have friends, I don’t feel like I have interesting things to say, I’m boring boring boring and again, the list goes on for miles. And the only remedy for this is to just keep trucking along. Things WILL get better. Life is a roller coaster, mainly emotionally but in other ways too. You will have the best of the best days, and then you will have the worst of the worst why I am even here I hate everything days. And then every shade of day in between. Sometimes you’ll be on fire socially; you’ll be talking and involved and you’ll have things to say and you’ll be a part of the group. Other times you’ll be awkward and have shifty eyes and just want to go hide in a hole away from people. It’s all part of life. You’ve got to have the bad days to appreciate the good days. Cheesy, but true.

3. Believe in yourself.

This one goes along hand in hand with “Accept yourself.” My main stiff with this one is, if you don’t believe in yourself, then who will? God will, for sure, and probably your mom and family, but if you don’t believe in yourself, the list of people who do gets very thin. You’ve gotta believe. Believe that you are beautiful and smart and fun to be around, and then you will start being beautiful and smart and fun to be around. People can tell when you are feeling good about yourself and when you’re feeling confident. People like being around confident people, because it makes them feel better about themselves. And then the feeling is reciprocated to the confident person and then we’re all just happy and confident and friendly and it’s really just nice. So basic rule of thumb: Believe. Even when the circumstances suck and you feel like you suck and no one would ever like you: believe. Cast all doubt aside and believe.

4. Be chill.

This is one that I feel really applies to me, and maybe not so much to other people. I feel like it’s a core part of my personality to just be that calm, chill person who contributes, but isn’t too loud, and who is there, but doesn’t always have to be the center of attention. I like to be involved, but I don’t have to be all up in anybody’s face about it. Sometimes I struggle with this, because I feel like I need to be more outgoing and involved, but most of the time I’m ok with it. I guess more input about this one is to just stop worrying about things. Worrying does absolutely no good in helping you accomplish things. It just makes you more stressed out and feel worse and more overwhelmed about everything you have to do. Trust me, I do this literally every day. So just take a deep breath and write everything down you need to do. Even if you don’t get it all done, at least it’s written down. Talk it out. Talk your problems and emotions out, either to a friend, a counselor, a parent, or just to yourself in your room. Organize your thoughts. Chill out. It’ll be fine.

5. Keep calm & carry on.

This is kind of the end-all one that encompasses all the others. It’s more like an “endure to the end” type piece of advice that I will close this blog post with. I mean, it seems really cliché as well, ‘cause we’ve all heard it a thousand times, but it’s good, right? It’s true and good and it works. When you’re stressed out ‘cause you have a huge paper due the next day, keep calm & carry on. Push through it. Don’t let yourself get distracted and just do it. When you’re nervous because you have to perform or present in front of tons of people and you’re freaking out and ahhhh there’s no way you can do it, keep calm & carry on. Breathe and remember what you prepared and you’ll be fine. Worrying and freaking out and despairing does absolutely nothing. Keep your head when things seem to be going wrong.

So yeah, those are my life lessons. You can take them or leave them. I think they’re pretty good, but then again, I wrote them. Haha.

For a closing statement I’d like to quote my good friend Bekah. She always tells me to “breathe & believe.” And it really is excellent advice if you think about it. Breathe & believe y’all. You got this.

don't you worry, you'll soon be on the mend
that's no trick, that flicker of radiance
you'll feel lucky darlin', I promise you this
you'll figure it out, and get good again

-vanessa carlton

everything in its right place.

Have you ever had those moments in your life where everything just seems to fit perfectly together? The setting you’re in, the way you’re feeling, the music you’re listening to, everything has been tailored to match that exact moment in your life?

Well, if you haven’t, I’m sorry, because it feels amazing.

I felt like this walking home from the library tonight. I’d just spent 4+ hours slaving away on various homework items, and I was ready to be free. As I was striding to the entrance of the library, I pushed play on my ipod and “Flux and Flow” by Lights began playing through my headphones, making me smile with its sweet electronic melodies.

As I pushed through the doors and out into the night, I was met by a gust of cool, crisp, autumn air that just filled me with joy. Usually I hate being cold, but for some reason I am just welcoming it this year. I am really really excited for it to get cold. I’ll probably regret saying that as soon as it actually does get cold, but for now I’m excited. I like feeling cozy and warm inside while its really cold outside.

Anyway, my walk home was just fantastic. The song I was listening to made me feel invincible, and since there was no one around, I was singing and dancing openly to it all the way home. That was another thing that made me feel free, I was the only one on campus in every direction that I could see. It was eerie, but also amazing. It was such a contrast from the usually bustling and crowded walkways that I see during the day.

I guess I just embraced this feeling tonight because I usually feel so stifled in my everyday life. When I’m just going about my business on campus or wherever else, I feel like I’m constantly being stared at and scrutinized looked over and it really just wears on me. I want to be free more often in my everyday life. I wish I could sing and dance openly like I did tonight on a regular school day, with people all around. Alas, that would not be socially acceptable. Dang.

I don’t think I’m explaining my feeling of freedom very well, so I apologize for that. I just felt like everything that was happening right then was perfect and made for that exact moment. I felt very free and full of life and like anything was possible.

And then when I got home, I threw down my backpack, changed into more comfortable clothes, and proceeded to make some amazing hot chocolate with my Stephen’s Mint Truffle Hot Chocolate mix. Which I am now drinking. Out of an awesome mug. And it is filling me with joy.

This idea reminds me of a quote from a book I read my freshman year called “Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You” by Peter Cameron. It’s basically about a teenage boy who feels different from most of the people around him and doesn’t understand why people do the things that they do. He expresses his opinions in a witty and sarcastic manner that I really enjoyed. Anyway, there’s a point in the story where he is in a session with his therapist and he makes this comment: 

“I don’t know why, but it was a nice moment. One of those moments when everything seems to be in its place. The pencils in the Guggenheim Museum mug on her desk, how they fell away from each other at varying angles and directions, like those apparently casual beautiful flower arrangements that are actually the result of much artful expertise—I had a notion of them being the center of the universe and everything spreading out around them, all the other items on the desk, the office, the building, the block, the city, and the world beyond. ‘I feel very good about where everything is,’ I said.”

I love that.

I love the moments when everything feels like it’s in its right place.

And now for the song that inspired the title of and goes along perfectly with this post.

(you should listen to it really loudly, it sounds way better) 

it's the most... conference-y time of the year.

So it’s that time of the year again. All of us Mormons gather around the TV, eat until we’re sick, and then take 5 naps over a 2-day period. Haha not really.

But kind of.

But for seriously, I just really want to express how much I love General Conference. It’s such a reassurance to me that the church is true. The brethren are so kind and sincere and genuine, and their messages call you to action without being too harsh. It is obvious to me that they’re speaking to us what the Lord would have us hear. I love that the brethren check up on us every 6 months to make sure we remember what we’re supposed to be doing. I know I’d definitely forget if I didn’t have that reminder bi-annually. So yeah, I basically just think conference is pretty great.

One of the talks that stood out to me was the one that Matthew O. Richardson gave. I thought it was interesting that he is the 2^nd counselor in the General Sunday School presidency of the Church. I really liked how his talk was easy to follow; it was easy for me to focus on what he was saying. He started off with a short anecdote about a little girl he’d met when he was in the MTC. The little girl had asked him if he was a “real” missionary. He used the word “real” throughout the rest of his talk to make certain points. For example, he told another anecdote about how he climbed a high mountain in Oregon with his kids. When they all got to the top, he exclaimed to his daughter that she was a “real” hiker.

He kept using the repetition of “real” to discuss his point about learning by the Spirit. He urged us to become “real” learners, learners that utilize the Spirit to help receive personal revelation. Because he kept revisiting his main ideas of being “real,” the audience felt like they could become "real" as well. I’d say this technique was very effective.

Another technique he used was parallelism in sentence structure. He used a lot of verb phrases in list form. One in particular that stood out to me was “It [the Spirit] cannot learn for us, feel for us, or act for us.” This is just one of many examples of this type of sentence structure. This technique keeps the audience’s attention for the whole sentence, because they’re waiting to see how it will finish. Another example is the phrase, “real life, real learning, real teaching.” There’s that word “real” again. Here Elder Richardson combined his explosive “real” technique with the sentence structure. And he came up with one smashing phrase.

All in all, I found Elder Richardson to be an interesting and skilled orator and I greatly enjoyed his talk. 

I definitely didn’t take a nap during this part of conference. 

social... caterpillar.

IT IS HARD FOR ME TO SAY WORDS OUT LOUD.

Whew, now that that’s out, I can start my post.

It’s hard for me to talk. I’ve always been on the shy side, and it’s a struggle for me to talk to people in social situations. I’m usually fine one on one with people, but in groups it’s like I disappear. I try really really hard to be part of the conversation, but usually it ends up being everyone else talking and me just doing a lot of smiling and nodding. Not that I totally hate this. Sometimes I like being the quiet, mellow one. I like not having to be the center of attention all the time. I like to think of myself as “introverted” because it doesn’t sound as derogatory as “shy.”

And I’ve gotten better over time. You should’ve seen me my freshman year of college. Wow. Talk about antisocial. I feel like I’ve really improved over my almost 3 years of being in college. I’ve learned to make eye contact with people and smile and be interested in what they’re saying. I’ve learned to ask people questions about themselves and their lives and be sincerely interested in their answers.

But still, this doesn’t come easily for me. I have to consciously decide that I’m going to be social, take a deep breath, and then go out and conquer. I think something that makes being social hard for me is that I’m always scared that people don’t actually care about what I’m saying. I just have this creeping feeling all the time that people don’t want to listen to me for some reason .Why wouldn’t they? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because I don’t believe I have anything worth saying. It’s almost like I think I’m only allotted a certain amount of words per conversation, and if I go over my amount, then people will just tune out and stop caring.

I think another reason why I struggle with being social is that a lot of times my attempts only end in awkward situations. I really hate being in awkward situations, and I especially hate when I am the cause of the awkwardness. Then I feel even more awkward ‘cause I made the situation awkward and then I just feel bad about myself in general. And then I stop trying because in my mind, I’ve failed. And then I just want to hide and stop trying.

I think back to my first voice lesson a few weeks ago, and how uncomfortable the whole experience was. My voice teacher wanted me to stand up straight, with my shoulders back, and just open up my whole chest area. And I literally couldn’t do it. I felt so awkward in my own skin, always wanting to go back into a slouching posture. It sickened me how awkward I felt. I was so relieved to get out of there because the whole time I’d been forced to be out of my comfort zone.

I received a sort of epiphany a few nights ago though. I hadn’t realized how sick and tired I was of hiding, of not saying what I wanted to say, of doubting myself. I threw my shoulders back and yelled and screamed and it was just very freeing. I was filled with a burning desire to fight being shy. I would fight it with every bit of strength I could muster because I was so sick of underestimating myself, of just reverting back to the “oh, I can’t talk to people because I’m introverted” excuse that I’d used time and time again.

I decided then and there to always try. I know I always have to at least try to be social, to care, to not hide. It’s so natural for me to hide because I’ve done it for so long, and that’s why I have to fight it. I know that I always have to be doing things that are hard for me, that scare me. and being social is a huge thing that is hard for me. And I’m not saying that I now expect to be chatty and bubbly and super outgoing and a social butterfly. I know that that isn’t really who I am, and trying to be that would just fail.

But I do know that I don’t always have to hide. I don’t always have to run from awkward situations; it won’t kill me to be in a few of them from time to time. I can be positive and engaged in conversations and honestly care about other people. I promise to look people in the eye and be a part of the social community around me. 

young blood.

It’s only September 13^th, and I already miss summer. Summer never lasts long enough for me. I need the stifling hot air and the long, carefree days back. I need the endless summer nights where we’d walk around with no purpose, just breathing in the pure air, feeling free and like anything was possible. And anything WAS possible. We’d sing and dance and belt out our thoughts because we just didn’t care and no one was listening anyway. I want to go back to the days where I didn’t have to shower or put on makeup, just spend all day at the pool, soaking in the summer sun, falling asleep when I was tired, and jumping into the water when I got too hot. I want to spread out on the grass with a good book and never look at a clock once all day. I want to listen to music, so much music, album after album after album, and never once hit the stop button. I want the freedom, the reckless freedom back. I am still so young, and I just want to live in an endless summer.

But I know that’s not realistic at all. It’s a nice dream, but I know I can’t spend my life like that, as much as I’d like to. I need to go to school, and work hard, and get an education, and just work work work. I know how important it is to have direction and not just be idle all the time. But it’s hard to face doing hard things, especially when the memories of summer are so fresh in my mind.

But no matter what season it is, I’m still young, and still so free. I want to find ways to keep the summer spirit alive during winter, during the six-month long winter here in Utah. I have yet to come up with actual ideas of how to do this, so suggestions in my comments box would be greatly appreciated. Maybe I’ll just keep listening to music. Keep listening to music and being happy and yelling randomly and doing spontaneous things. Afterall, I’ve still got young blood.

Me: “Lets jump off cars and jump into lakes and just be free."
My good friend Jenny: “Yeah, or punch a baby and skip work.”

Sounds good to me, Jenny.

Here’s the song and accompanying video that inspired this nostalgic post. I feel like this song is the embodiment of summer. Try and watch this without feeling reckless and free, I dare you :)