personal narrative.

    The day begins just like any other. I roll out of bed with barely enough time to get to class. I shower and pull my wet hair into a high bun. I don’t put on makeup because there’s no one to get ready for. I grab my backpack and hurriedly rush out the door into the brisk winter air.  I rush to catch the bus and crowd on with everyone else. They’re all chatting and laughing with each other, why aren’t I? I know why. I’m ugly, fat, and stupid. Why would anyone talk to me? These thoughts echo in my mind, repeating over and over. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Fat, fat, fat. Stupid, stupid, stupid. A girl sits down next to me and starts fiddling with the headphones for her iPod. She turns to me and says with a laugh, “Don’t you just hate when your headphones get tangled?” I try to talk, but my words are forced. My voice catches in my throat and she just stares at me. I stop trying and shut my mouth. I turn away as my face turns bright red. She must think I’m a total freak, I think. I definitely am a freak.

            The rest of the day continues in the same fashion, the same negative thoughts repeating over and over in my brain. They won’t leave, no matter how hard I try. I just can’t get over how there are 30,000 students on this campus, yet I still feel so alone. I’m just one of the cattle in this huge herd, slogging through the mire from class to class. There is no way that anyone would ever pay attention to me, or even see me. No one wants to be friends with an ugly, fat, stupid girl who can’t even speak. I spend the remainder of day feeling terrible, but immersed in my music. It helps.

            I am done with classes and I go home for the day. I sit by myself for hours on end, and it hurts. The music helps, but it still hurts. I pray to feel better, to have the strength to make it through the day. God and music, that’s all I have.

            It’s the next day and everything is the same. I can’t fake happy. I can’t force it into my skin, my heart. But I can almost reach out and grab it, it’s so tangible in the air. I can see it on the faces of those around me, in the hands of couples holding each other, in the eyes of young mothers and their babies. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy! But the negative thoughts won’t leave. They’re a nasty smog hovering over my mind, coating all of my thoughts and experiences. And then I remember that I am unlovable, boring, and dull and that I don’t deserve to be happy at all. I don’t deserve friends. I am lower than everyone else around me. It becomes too much to fight. I stop trying because it’s too hard. It’s easier to be bitter, to stay down.

            I face another day alone. I have become very numb and cold inside. I want to feel but I haven’t for so long that I have forgotten how. A boy in one of my classes turns to me and asks simply “Hey, did you get the homework?” I stare at him vacantly. I don’t have anything to say to him; all of my words are gone. He keeps talking and I turn away, ashamed. I am shy and broken. And in that moment it all hits me so hard and I cover my mouth to keep from screaming. I can’t even speak to another person. I have no connection to any other humans. I have to change, do something. I have to get help. I have to get out. No one can do it for me; I have to help myself out. I am alone for a few more hours, gathering courage, and then I go in to talk. The man in the chair is kind and nice, but I am hesitant at first. He asks me what’s wrong and all I can get out is “I need help.” He probably won’t be able to help me, I am too far gone. But then I am talking and talking and crying and spitting my soul up out into the air and he’s actually listening, why is he listening? I don’t know, but I continue. I continue to talk every week, and slowly I learn to lift my head up from the dust. I struggle, stumbling on the positivity that I try to weave into my head. I am not used to it; it’s unnatural and awkward. But I keep trying even though it’s so hard. It’s better to stay positive, to keep my head up.

            I try and try and and slowly, so slowly, I learn to train my mind. The boy from my class asks me “Hey, how’s it going?” and I stutter, but I talk. I talk and try to smile. It feels fake at first, but it becomes more real each time I smile. I know now that I have had the strength in me all along; I just needed to believe. 

            A few months later, I am walking through campus, and the day is bright and clear. I smile as one of my favorite songs comes on my iPod. It lifts me up onto another plane, and I keep smiling because in that moment, the music is all I need. I walk into my first class with a little spring in my step and I smile again because I know that I have friends. I am warm and kind and not a single negative thought crosses my mind throughout the whole class. I still have God and music, but I have so much more as well. I have myself on my side. I am beautiful, strong, and brave and I won’t go down that far again. There are days when I am pushed down and I feel it all coming back, but I fight.  I remember that the world is beautiful and I am alive. I will grow and grow until I am tall.

hurry up, we're dreaming.

I can’t really focus on anything so I decided to post a blog. I’m literally sitting here at my computer trying to study and do things, and all I can think about is taking a nap. It’s like the word NAP is printed really big on the inside of my brain, and it’s literally the only word my brain can comprehend right now.

Soooo… trying to stave off the urge to take a nap. Haha.

So I just wanted to talk about music. Music is pretty much my life. I know a lot of people say that, so it sounds really cliché, and it may be true for them, but it is definitely true for me. Music runs my life. I’m constantly listening to it. Or singing it. Or playing it. Or thinking about it. Or surfing it. It’s just a constant presence in my life. And I really just wouldn’t have it any other way. Most of the time I feel like it’s a blessing to be this obsessed with music, but at times I feel like it’s a curse.

Let me give you an example.

Because I’m obsessed with music, I decided to form a ‘music appreciation club’ that meets once a week. We sit and listen to one album straight through, beginning to end, really loud on my nice speakers. People can just sit, lay down, do homework, surf the Internet, or do basically whatever they want during it. It’s just a time set aside to sit and appreciate music, nothing too complicated. Oh and incense is usually burned. Haha. So I thought this was a pretty cool idea, and I invited all my friends to join the group I made for it on Facebook. I had some people show interest, and so I added them to the group. A lot of people I talked to said things along the lines of “Wow, that’s such a great idea! I’ll be sure to come!”

Except….. they didn’t. People came for the first couple of meetings, but then it peetered out into just being me and my best friend Jenny, who is basically like a co-chair for the club with me. So I just got discouraged, because literally no one cares. No one cares about music as much as I do. That sounds really pompous and purist-y, but it’s true. No one really gives a flying frick.

So Jenny and I just sat and listened to the music by ourselves. We appreciated it at least.

So yeah, sometimes I just feel my obsession with music sets me apart from other people. And it’s hard for me to understand when people aren’t as into music as I am. It’s not a HUGE deal though, it’s not like I can’t talk to people about anything other than music. It helps though, haha. When someone is actually into music, I get so excited, because I literally have so much to say about it. We will probably actually have a decent conversation that I will actually enjoy. Yippee.

I also wanted to just put a little plug in for the band M83’s latest album “Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming.” Holy CRAP. I mean I knew this band was good, cuz they’re older stuff is amazing, but I can’t even explain to you what this album is doing for me right now. Even listening to it loud on my little laptop speakers is just sounding so amazing. You know those times when you’re listening to music and you literally can’t turn it down or off because it just sounds so good? Yep, that’s happening right now. So, if you care, please please please go give it a listen. I suggest starting at the beginning and just making your way through it. Your ears will thank you.

(This isn't the best song from the album by any means, but it's the single. And the only one I could find a decent version of on Youtube. Go figure.)

-M83 - Midnight City-

caitlin's life lessons.

So I haven’t been feeling very happy lately. I’ve been in a sort of social and emotional funk, and I keep trying to pinpoint why. I’ve got it down to a couple things. Of course there are many factors that can contribute to a person’s unhappiness, but these are just some I’d like to address that I’ve noticed in myself. Hopefully they could help you to feel more happy as well :)

(Keep in mind that this list isn’t complete, it’s an ongoing thing that I occasionally add to. yeah yeah yeah.)

(I also hope they don’t come off as super cliché or cheesy, but if they do, I apologize. These are just things I’ve come to realize while living my life and I’d like to share them with you.)

-Caitlin’s life lessons-

1. Accept yourself.

Accept yourself for who you are rather than always trying to change and be like someone else. The sooner you accept yourself, the sooner you will feel inner conflict go away. It makes for much more peaceful living.

This one is especially applicable to my life. Not a day goes by where I don’t compare myself to other people, mostly other girls. I feel like I never measure up. Everyone is prettier, funnier, skinnier, nicer, smarter, more talented, etc etc etc. The list really does just go on and on. It’s incredibly disheartening and there’s no way out of it unless you just stop. Stop comparing and accept yourself. You’re beautiful just the way you are, it’s true! It’s like that sort of terrible but actually kind of good Bruno Mars song. You’re amazing just the way you are. Believe it. It’s true. No one expects you to be anything but yourself. Stop thinking negative thoughts, stop thinking you’re not good enough. You’re good enough. Now go live.

2. Don’t let the bad days make you forget about the good days.

I feel like this one is especially applicable to my life as well, haha. As mentioned earlier, I just get in these funks that I believe I won’t get out of. Things just suck, you know? I’m not doing well in school, I’m behind in my schoolwork, I’m tired, I feel ugly, I don’t feel like I have friends, I don’t feel like I have interesting things to say, I’m boring boring boring and again, the list goes on for miles. And the only remedy for this is to just keep trucking along. Things WILL get better. Life is a roller coaster, mainly emotionally but in other ways too. You will have the best of the best days, and then you will have the worst of the worst why I am even here I hate everything days. And then every shade of day in between. Sometimes you’ll be on fire socially; you’ll be talking and involved and you’ll have things to say and you’ll be a part of the group. Other times you’ll be awkward and have shifty eyes and just want to go hide in a hole away from people. It’s all part of life. You’ve got to have the bad days to appreciate the good days. Cheesy, but true.

3. Believe in yourself.

This one goes along hand in hand with “Accept yourself.” My main stiff with this one is, if you don’t believe in yourself, then who will? God will, for sure, and probably your mom and family, but if you don’t believe in yourself, the list of people who do gets very thin. You’ve gotta believe. Believe that you are beautiful and smart and fun to be around, and then you will start being beautiful and smart and fun to be around. People can tell when you are feeling good about yourself and when you’re feeling confident. People like being around confident people, because it makes them feel better about themselves. And then the feeling is reciprocated to the confident person and then we’re all just happy and confident and friendly and it’s really just nice. So basic rule of thumb: Believe. Even when the circumstances suck and you feel like you suck and no one would ever like you: believe. Cast all doubt aside and believe.

4. Be chill.

This is one that I feel really applies to me, and maybe not so much to other people. I feel like it’s a core part of my personality to just be that calm, chill person who contributes, but isn’t too loud, and who is there, but doesn’t always have to be the center of attention. I like to be involved, but I don’t have to be all up in anybody’s face about it. Sometimes I struggle with this, because I feel like I need to be more outgoing and involved, but most of the time I’m ok with it. I guess more input about this one is to just stop worrying about things. Worrying does absolutely no good in helping you accomplish things. It just makes you more stressed out and feel worse and more overwhelmed about everything you have to do. Trust me, I do this literally every day. So just take a deep breath and write everything down you need to do. Even if you don’t get it all done, at least it’s written down. Talk it out. Talk your problems and emotions out, either to a friend, a counselor, a parent, or just to yourself in your room. Organize your thoughts. Chill out. It’ll be fine.

5. Keep calm & carry on.

This is kind of the end-all one that encompasses all the others. It’s more like an “endure to the end” type piece of advice that I will close this blog post with. I mean, it seems really cliché as well, ‘cause we’ve all heard it a thousand times, but it’s good, right? It’s true and good and it works. When you’re stressed out ‘cause you have a huge paper due the next day, keep calm & carry on. Push through it. Don’t let yourself get distracted and just do it. When you’re nervous because you have to perform or present in front of tons of people and you’re freaking out and ahhhh there’s no way you can do it, keep calm & carry on. Breathe and remember what you prepared and you’ll be fine. Worrying and freaking out and despairing does absolutely nothing. Keep your head when things seem to be going wrong.

So yeah, those are my life lessons. You can take them or leave them. I think they’re pretty good, but then again, I wrote them. Haha.

For a closing statement I’d like to quote my good friend Bekah. She always tells me to “breathe & believe.” And it really is excellent advice if you think about it. Breathe & believe y’all. You got this.

don't you worry, you'll soon be on the mend
that's no trick, that flicker of radiance
you'll feel lucky darlin', I promise you this
you'll figure it out, and get good again

-vanessa carlton